Dirty Gypsy

My Favorite Dream Ever

2010-01-08T17:11:00.010-06:00

Okay, so you guys know about my obsession with Matt Berry, right?

If you don't know about Matt Berry, he's awesome. He's a British actor, and he stars in several of my favorite television shows. Here's a little taste:

He has the most amazing voice, and I totally love it. I recently ordered some DVDs: Garth Marenghi's Darkplace and Snuff Box, both starring Mr. Berry. I watched an episode of Darkplace before I went to bed. This is the dream I had that night:

I'm in Matt Berry's flat, conducting an interview with him. We're flirting back and forth and it's generally going well. After a few minutes of this, we decide we are getting along so well that we've had enough of the interview and he suggests we just hang 'round and see what happens (this is the point in my dream where I'm doing a victory dance because I'm so in love with him).
Somehow, the decision is made to go over to his mentally-challenged (I have no idea why I thought this) neighbor's house and get high (which I never do). We're on his neighbor's porch, and he pulls out a bag of weed and some papers and starts to roll up a joint. I stop him, and say, "Wait, I've got *this*!" and pull a container of mozzarella cheese sticks out of my pocket. I proceed to then cut them up into tiny, tiny pieces and lace the marijuana with it so that when we smoke it, we can get "all the cheesy goodness, too".
He looks at me then with what I can only describe as lusty admiration and says (in that liquid-velvet voice of his), "Why, you dirty hausfrau!"...

...and then I woke up. Funniest. Dream. Ever.

I know no one cares about other people's dreams. In the immortal words of Dennis Reynolds, "I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care." And that is totally fine, but I just had to jot this down for posterity.

Guilty Pleasure Songs

2008-11-03T22:59:00.005-06:00

You all know you have 'em. I actually don't have *too* many songs that I will listen to that truly embarrass me, although I do still have a hard time listening to "Danger Zone" with my car windows down. Anywho. But worse than that is my love for a certain glam metal song. I think this band only had one other "hit", and that's questionable, but my love for this song knows no bounds:

Smooth up in ya!

Mama...whoa...

I know you really want to move me
You know I'd like to see you try
I've said it before and I'll say it again
You're not my type if you don't give in

Looks like you're the hard kind
I ain't got that kind of time

Oh I send shivers

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(In ya)

You say I'm never gonna break ya
But we won't know until we try
So now's the time to make up your mind
I'll never ever be the one woman kind

Don't let your lovin' go to waste
All it takes is just one date

Oh I send shivers

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(Smooth up in ya)

Smooth up in ya
(I wanna go, I wanna go)
Smooth up in ya
(Right now, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Oh oh oh
I wanna go
I wanna
I wanna go

Oh yeah yeah yeah, don't let your lovin' go to waste
Oh honey child, I'm gonna give you a taste

Whoa I send shivers

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(Smooth up in ya)

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(Said it before and I'll say it again)

Smooth up in ya
(Whoa)
Smooth up in ya
(Whoa I really wanna go)

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(I really wanna go)

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(Yeah, yeah)

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya

BulletBoys, "Smooth Up In Ya". Aw, yeah, bitches. I feel really weird that I love this song SO much. This song came out when I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. And it's so crass and dirty. And so *80s*, you know? I mean, the video is fucking cringe-worthy at best. Those torn up white graffiti jeans? The bleached out hair? The creepy butt-wiggling and epileptic dancing?? If that's not sexy, I don't know what is. I guess this proves no matter how much I try to fight it, I'll always be white-trash at heart.

Whew - I feel better getting that off of my chest. So c'mon folks -- what's YOURS? It's okay. We're all friends here...

Edited to add: I'm actually so embarassed by this that I *almost* deleted this post. Oh, what have I done!?

Nerd Alert

2008-09-30T21:19:00.003-05:00

So I mentioned in my last post that I've read several books since I've moved in with my parents. Here is the list, as I can recall it from memory (And since I'm interjecting with my opinion of these books, I just wanted to say POSSIBLE SPOILERS. Just covering my ass.):

1. Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck. My GOD this book is fantastic. I don't know how I managed to have not read this my entire life, but I'm so glad that my friend Wendy recommended it. When I got to the end, I was near tears. It only takes about an hour or so to read, and it's well-worth the time. If you haven't read it, get a copy NOW. Right now.
2. The Road, Cormac McCarthy. When I first picked this up, I had to slow down a bit and concentrate. Nowhere in the book does McCarthy refer to any of the characters by name. It was a strange concept to me, but after the first few chapters, I didn't even notice. It was amazing and rather depressing all at the same time. The desolation and fear really start to become real. I don't think it's for everyone, but I really liked it. It was completely different from anything else I've ever read.
3. Songs in Ordinary Time, Mary McGarry Morris. This book was frustrating. On the one hand, it totally drags you into this family's life and you're dying to see what happens. But the way the story plays out is infuriating. It's like watching someone you care about constantly make piss-poor decisions, and your hands are completely tied to do a damn thing about it.
4. Bastard Out of Carolina, Dorothy Allison. Again, this was hard to read because you get emotionally attached to the characters. It explores that sort of family life much like Songs in Ordinary Time, but with a much darker tone due to the subject matter (abuse, sexual assault). Certain parts were very hard to read.
5. Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I wanted to love this book. I wanted it to convince me that romance isn't a waste of time. Yeah...this book bored me to tears, I have to admit. Florentino Ariza's character was so fucking annoying to me. He pines and pines for his beloved for years and years and years. I don't know - maybe it's my cynical nature, but I found it slightly pathetic, not romantic. By the time I was done, I wasn't feeling all "AWWWWWW....they reconnected!" It was more like, "THANK GOD I'm done with this damn book." I might read something of Marquez's again, but not anytime soon.
6. Ravelstein, Saul Bellow. Right from the beginning, I wasn't sure what to make of this book. I'm still not sure. It was okay, I guess, but I had NO idea what to expect. Buying books at the thrift store (which I LOVE) is always a crapshoot.
7. Angela's Ashes, Frank McCourt. I loved this, and as soon as I can get my hands on the sequel, 'Tis, I'm going to read it. Is it wrong that the entire time I read this, I wanted to eat?? I would read page after page about how this poor family never has enough food, etc., and I kept thinking, "Oh, man! I'm gonna go have a sandwich! I'm starving!" I think something is wrong with me.
8. The Beautiful Cigar Girl: Mary Rogers, Edgar Allan Poe, and The Invention of Murder, Daniel Stashower. This was a cool book. It's a non-fiction account of one of the earliest sensationalized murders in American history, and how Edgar Allan Poe's career was intertwined with this case. I'm a big Poe fan, so I totally dug this one.
9. The Seville Communion, Arturo Perez-Reverte. This was a mystery about hackers getting into the Vatican's computer system and pleading with the Holy Father to save a certain church in Seville, Spain. The Vatican sends a priest to investigate, and the story develops from there. I was not super-impressed with this one. Certain elements in the book were absolutely no surprise at all. I could have predicted them even before I cracked the cover. It definitely made me want to visit Seville, though.
10. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley. Very verbose, but very good. And completely unlike any other Frankenstein story I've ever been told. I knew that going in, but was still a little surprised at just how different it was. I thought it was fascinating. I highly recommend it. I'd loan you my copy, but I completely destroyed it. My dumb ass thought it'd be great to take it into the sauna at the gym so I wouldn't be bored, never thinking that the humidity would destroy the glue holding the binding together. And then there was an incident with a bottle of Gatorade and that was that. Thank goodness that happened AFTER I'd finished with it.
11. The Corrections, Jonathan Franzen. I hated this book. Oh, how I hated this book. I picked it up because he's from St. Louis, and I remember that he had declined Oprah making this one of her selections for her Book Club. I was excited to read this one, but I never really did get into it. I found it incredibly boring and ultimately a pain-in-the-ass to get through. When it got to the point where one of the characters was being tormented by the personification of a piece of shit, I almost quit reading, but I stuck it out. Meh. I don't recommend it.
12. Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman. This book wasn't bad. It was dark and Gothic, which I tend to like. I enjoyed the story, but I don't know that it grabbed me enough to try Gaiman again.
13. A Widow For One Year, John Irving. This was a book that I flew through. I don't know why I was compelled to read it compulsively, but every chance I got I would read "just a few more pages". Mainly this is the story of a woman and how she grew up in a completely dysfunctional environment, and what became of her. It was interesting, but I'll admit I was slightly squicked out by one of the character's fascination with older women. Much older women. It totally makes sense within the context of the book and everything, but it almost bordered on creepy. For me, anyway. I have no problem with any adult falling in love with someone considerably older, but it was the obsession that made it weird.
14. A Civil Action, Jonathan Harr. By the end of this book, I felt emotionally EXHAUSTED. Oh, man. For a non-fiction book, I thought this one was particularly well-done. I was so engrossed in the case that I felt like I was one of the lawyers. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt after I put this book down that I would NEVER cut it as a lawyer. To have the kind of dedication it takes to fight through the tedium and red-tape of the judicial system is amazing to me. The outcome of this book was a little different than I expected but I am so glad that I was completely ignorant of any of the circumstances of this case before I read it. (Or the movie, for that matter.)
15. The Lazarus Rumba, Ernesto Mestre. This book is incredibly strange and kind of has a mystical feel to it. It deals with the story of a family of revolutionaries at the time of Castro's rise to power in Cuba. At one point, the story is told from the point-of-view of a gay blue rooster that has the power to raise things from the dead by pissing on them. That will tell you right there if this book is for you. This is one I actually intend on reading again soon. I'm sure I'll get much more out of it the second time.
16. Thunderstruck, Erik Larson. I love this guy. I didn't find this one as fascinating as I found the first book of his I picked up, Devil in the White City, but I think it's just because I'm infinitely more interested in architecture than I am in wireless telegraphy. Nevertheless, the story is told brilliantly, and at the end, I was totally holding my breath. I highly recommend this one.

And I've started another book called The Infinite Plan by Isabel Allende and also started Crime & Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky. Also around here somewhere I have a copy of Wicked by Gregory Maguire, in Spanish, that I intend on reading. Not for understanding, mind you, even though I might glean a tiny bit. I read it in English last year, so we'll see what I remember. I'm just going to try and re-familiarize myself with Spanish words and sentence structure.

I'm starting to think that an appointment with an eye doctor wouldn't be the worst idea.

Uninspired

2008-09-21T23:19:00.003-05:00

Okay - it's been a while since I've blogged. I know, I know. I suck. For the last few weeks, I've tried to come up with a reason to post, but nope - nothing. So tonight I just figured that I'd open up the old brain and see what pours out. For those of you that continue to read the rest of this, I wish you the very best of luck...

I bought a pack of Orbit gum at the gas station, and I have literally been sitting here for FIVE MINUTES trying to open it. The stupid little "Open Here" printed on the packaging can just go STRAIGHT TO HELL. I saw "Tropic Thunder" three times, and I laughed harder each successive time. I bought a pair of sunglasses today that look absolutely terrible on me. They are big and purple and square, and I love them. This is the second week in a row that I've known I need a belt for my pants, and the second week in a row that I've not bothered to shop for one. It is so humid in my house that my fingers are sweaty. And yes, I know that's gross. My new Mike Patton obsession? A Faith No More track that was a B-side in Japan called "The World Is Yours". God Bless YouTube. My friend got me a book called "The Book of Bunny Suicides" by Andy Riley for my birthday. I cannot fully express to you all just how fucking hysterical this book is. Google it - you won't be sorry. Another friend got me another great book called "Zombie Haiku" by Ryan Mecum. It's sick and wrong, and right up my alley. My favorite haiku? "Biting into heads/is much harder than it looks./The skull is feisty." Followed directly by the haiku my friend wrote in the book for me "A disgusting book/I hope it makes you chuckle,/and perhaps vomit." My friends are awesome. I have read at least 15 or 16 books since I moved in with my parents in March. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I'm waiting patiently for the house I'm supposed to rent to be ready. Maybe I'll be in by Christmas?? God, I hope so...I really miss my stuff. I need a real hobby. I have no talent, so it's going to be difficult to choose something. I'm going to have to drive my dad's truck this week because my car is being supremely difficult. It's hard to start the motherfucker when the key won't turn in the fucking ignition. I might be slightly stressed about this. I was actually hoping that swimming at the gym would help with my stress level, but I don't think it's working. I LOVE CRAIG FERGUSON. I think he's a genius. A charming, Scottish genius. I wish I could stay up late enough to watch his show every night. *sigh* "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" is the best show on television. Supremely, consistently hilarious and over-the-top. Plus, they put Danny DeVito back on TV - I love that guy. "It's not a *rape* van, it's a *SPY* van!" Larry's cat has been giving me the CRAZY^(O_o)^ EYES all weekend. Thank goodness I sleep with my door locked. God knows Larry's probably trying to train her to assassinate me. I seriously need to learn to cook. For reals, y'all. I AM SO SICK OF THAT OXYCLEAN MOTHERFUCKER SCREAMING AT ME. GET. OFF. MY. TELEVISON. I have officially lived longer than my mother ever did. It kind of freaks me out, and I can't explain why. I like my coffee with two creams, four sugars. I am up way, way, way past my bedtime. It's almost 1:00 in the morning here as I type this. I'm watching "Clean House" right now and this couple on the show is pregnant. They show the decorator dude arranging blocks in the baby's room to spell out the baby's name -- Grayson. I totally read it as Gay Son, and I thought, "Whoa, how the hell would they know that??" Methinks I should go to bed.

In fact, that is EXACTLY what I'm going to do.

Plata

2008-03-13T21:40:00.025-05:00

Because I'm a dumbass and thought all week long that today's post was supposed to be for "White" instead of "Silver", you all get this:

My first choice in jewelry:

The prize for second place:

The Lone Ranger's horse's name:

The color I want my hair to turn when I grow up:

The color of most robots: (BEWARE THE UPRISING!!)

The word they use on products aimed at senior citizens to make them seem more distinguished:

A bullet that will fuck UP a werewolf:

A couple's 25th anniversary:

I really hate inflicting these last-minute posts on you all. I really do! If you all need me, I'll be off sulking in the corner, thinking about what I've done.

Marrón

2008-03-06T21:10:00.002-06:00

I still remember that first chance encounter we had that night so many years ago. I was unsure of myself, you were cold and distant. What happened next shocked us both, I think. I grabbed your neck to bring you closer to me, and oh, when our lips met, it was ever-so-magical...

I love you, Newcastle Brown Ale.

Negro

2008-02-28T23:57:00.004-06:00

This post might seem a bit weird, but I couldn't resist. It's late, and I'm tired. So here are some Boosh quotes, all with a common word. I wonder what it could possibly be??

Lucien: You should never go out on Black Lake when the moon be full.
Vince Noir: Why?
Lucien: Because there's somethin' out there... somethin' evil... somethin' that goes by the name of Old Gregg...
[creepy music]
Vince Noir: ...who?
Lucien: Ol' Gregg. Legendary fish. Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say it's more of a seventy-thirty split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.

Vince Noir: Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard?
Howard Moon: This better be good.
Vince Noir: You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantulas' eggs?
Howard Moon: Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.

Vince Noir: [grabbing book] Look at this one!
Naboo: Don't touch that!
Vince Noir: All right! Easy!
Naboo: This is black magic. This is hardcore. Don't mess with the occult.
Vince Noir: I thought it was good for you.
Naboo: What?
Vince Noir: Well, you know, good for your digestive system.
Naboo: That's Yakult!
Vince Noir: Oh, yeah...

Vince Noir: ...when Black Frost freezes you, what are your last words going to be?
Howard Moon: I'll probably just do some poetry. You know, something from my '70s period. What about you?
Vince Noir: I'll probably just swear my tits off.

The Hitcher: You wanna know about my thumb do ya boy? Intrigue ya does it boy? My thumb? Let me tell ya 'bout it. I come from a long line of hitchhikers, all with bleedin' masive thumbs. You see the thumb is a tremendous boon to the hitchhiker, helps with work. Ya know what I mean? Only problem was, when I was a child, my thumb was tiny. Not just tiny. Like a single sugar puff. Disgusting! Even my own mother would reel back in horror, like an anaconda, 'Aagh! What is it!? Get it out of here! It's tiny! It's horrible, it's revolting! Take your tiny thumb and get out of here and never darken my door again!' she'd say. I had to leave the family unit, in search of a miracle. I wandered the streets, looking for the answer. And people told me of a magic shaman: part man, part hornet. So I went looking for him. I went everywhere. I combed the universe in search of the stripy insect shaman. Turns out he was in a local primary school, in the bin, reeling about with the apple cores, like they do. And I stood there, with my thumb out, and he stung it, and he stung it. He grabbed onto it, it was like he was making love to it with his sting. In and out, in and out, more and more! Oh the pus, the pain, the black voodoo, the wet jigsaw puzzle! I didn't know what was happening. Oh for days I was in a trance. But when I came to, there it was. Like a fleshy maraca! A thumb of gigantic proportion! 'A miracle!' I said, 'A miracle, you're a true wizard! How can I ever repay ya?' And he said to me, 'Five hundred euros.' 'Five hundred euros!? You won't see penny one from me, you slag!' And as I raised my thumb up, to smash his tiny skull in I could see in his little insect face, could see him thinkin', 'Oh, I created that monster! I created that thumb! And now it's killing me! My own beastly creation, killin' me dead. The sweet irony.' I think he was sayin' that, although it was a long time ago. And in hindsight, he coulda just been shittin' himself.

Howard Moon: What time are the girls coming?
Vince Noir: Yeah, thing is, these are goth girls so...that might be a bit of a problem.
Howard Moon: Why?
Vince Noir: Well, you're gonna have to get a bit dark, like me.
Howard Moon: Like you? You're the least dark person I've ever met. You're like candy floss.
Vince Noir: You cut me open, I'm made of blackjacks.
Howard Moon: You're fruit salad, Vince. Everyone knows that.

Morado

2008-02-21T18:35:00.003-06:00

My dad's mom died in 2001. She was a hell of a lady. She liked three things:

1. Good food

2. John Wayne

3. the color purple

I had a very strange relationship with her over the years. When I was a kid, she scared the every-living hell outta me. See, she was a drinker, just like my gramps. Miller High Life was the drink of choice, and they both drank tons of it. Don't get me wrong - I've got fond memories of the times I spent there: BEGGING Grandma to buy Goober Grape at the grocery store (she always did), going swimming in the Little Piney River, watching Grandma pluck a chicken so she could make chicken and dumplings, her yelling at my cousin and I to stop shooting our BB guns at her dinner bell -- but I didn't like the drinking. She and my grandpa fought CONSTANTLY. That's why my cousin and I spent a majority of our time outside exploring. If they were in the house, it was always silence or yelling. No in-between. This went on for years.

When I was in high school, my grandma finally quit drinking and smoking. She wised up, and she left my grandpa. She moved up to St. Louis and lived with my uncle for about a year before she moved to Florida to live near her sister. During this time, we'd talk on the phone, but it was always that strained, "Hey, Grandma. How are you?" and-then-you're-ready-to-get-off-the-phone-kinda-talk. You all know what I mean. We had that kind of "I-know-you're-my-grandma-so-when-my-dad-makes-me-talk-to-you-I-will" relationship. Then her sister died and she moved back to St. Louis.

I had just moved back home from a disastrous (yet incredibly wreckless and fun) semester of "school" in Arkansas, and I was looking to move out of the house. My grandma wanted to find a retirement community, but the waiting list was long, so we decided to get an apartment together. It seems crazy, and it kinda was, but it also worked. We became incredibly close. I learned that she loved to watch Larry Rice on Channel 9, and Gunsmoke whenever possible. I learned that she could cook like a champ when she wanted to. I learned how to dial 911 when she had chest pains. I learned that the Black Jack Fire Department has some of the hottest firemen in St. Louis. I learned that she couldn't really take phone messages. I learned that she lovingly referred to me as a "knucklehead" and a "dumbass" when Kristi interviewed her for a paper she had to write. I learned that she was not afraid to speak her mind. I learned that I loved my grandma more than I ever thought I could.

Now that I'm moving again, I've been going through my things, and I've found a lot of things that spark my memories of her:

-a purple teddy bear that I bought her one of the many times she was in the hospital

-a purple and black wooden butterfly that she painted for me during one of her craft hours at the nursing home (I use it to top my Christmas tree)

-a purple angel ornament that I bought the year that she died

-a purple dress that I wore to a friend's wedding and also to the hospital's ICU just so she could see me in it - she loved it

-the purple color scheme of the bedroom I will occupy at my parent's house for the next month (her old room), painted just for her when she moved in

-a purple lace cloth that she used to throw over her nightstand like a tablecloth to "make it pretty"

-the dried purple rose that I took from her grave the day we buried her

My grandma was fucking awesome.

I miss her. Dearly.

Azul

2008-02-14T23:22:00.012-06:00

Valentine's Day. Blue is really the wrong color to have assigned to us on this very controversial holiday, but when life gives you lemons, you march back to the grocery store, slam them on the counter and be all, "BITCH, I ASKED FOR LIMES?? WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Ahem. Anywho. I just thought I'd share an assortment of some of the awesome Valentine's Day cards offered at my new favorite e-card site, someecards.com.

For those in the early stages of love:

For that winsome single gal:

For the realist:

For the true romantics:

For the cheery-eyed optimist:

And my personal favorite:

And speaking of Van Halen, this track of David Lee Roth singing vocals on "Running With The Devil" had me laughing hysterically. No music, just the vocals. It's so great. I only wish that I could get my hands on some Mike Patton tracks. *THAT* would be insane. And hilarious. Oh, boy, would it be hilarious.

WHOOOOOO HOOOOO, YEAAAHHHH!!!

Verde

2008-02-07T22:47:00.000-06:00

The following is a lovely song, by Al Green, titled "Simply Beautiful":

And because I can't resist, here is a cover of the same song by Fantomas:

Fucking cracks me UP. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I love that guy.

Amarillo

2008-01-31T20:58:00.000-06:00

This is a classic:

"Make me fries."

Naranja

2008-01-24T23:36:00.000-06:00

Okay. So if you stick with me, you'll see that this post makes sense. Kind of. See if you can guess what these two things (Cher in her orange blouse, and Charlie Daniels with his orange guitar) have in common:

Did you guess? I'll bet you didn't. And I'll tell you what it is, I promise. But first? A tiny bit of backstory...

I have a great-aunt whom I ADORE. She is just fantastic. She is hilarious and sweet and one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. The last time I saw her was about 5 or 6 years ago, I think, at a Rams game, and only for a brief minute. Tonight I had a chance to spend some time with her again, and I'm SO GLAD that I got to see her. Why? Because if I hadn't, then the following conversation would have never taken place:

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Me, my great-aunt, and an anonymous family member.
LOCATION:
My great-grandfather's hospital room.

Anonymous Family Member: And remember those two songs you wrote?

My Great-Aunt: Oh, those? Yeah, I remember. I'm sure Stephanie doesn't want to hear that story.

AFM: Oh, I'll bet she does.

Me: Come on - yes I do! What two songs? You wrote songs?

MGA: Yeah. I wrote them down and then your uncle's friend, Marty, stole them from me and gave them to other people and I never saw him again.

Me: Wait, what? What kind of songs were they?

MGA: Oh, you know. That "Devil in Georgia" song, and that other one. That "Turn Back the Hands of Time" song that Cher sings.

Me: [cracking up] Wait a sec...you claim to have written "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" AND "Turn Back Time"???

MGA: I don't *claim* anything, I *did* write them! Yeah! I should have copywrited those suckers - I could have made a lot of money. You just didn't know these things back in those days.

Me: [still laughing -- can't breathe, clutching stomach, tears in my eyes] I love you, GA.

MGA: I love you too, hon. I just don't know why no one ever believes me when I tell them...

See why I adore her??

Roja

2008-01-17T22:42:00.000-06:00

Red. The color of love. Or better yet...

...Lovage. From wikipedia.com:

Lovage is a collaborative project headed by Dan the Automator, under his alias "Nathaniel Merriweather" (a persona he created for the project Handsome Boy Modeling School). The album is called Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By, which was created in team with Mike Patton and Jennifer Charles, who both provide vocals. Kid Koala plays turntables and samples and toured with the band for their 13 city U.S. tour.

And here's a sample:

"Lifeboat"

Lyrics:
After all our dreams went down
Sinking for our very eyes
Still echoing the sound
Oh the frozen dreadful cries

Witnessed the passing of our only loves
Lose a battle to the sea
Why did you choose my only love
It could of easily been me

But it seems there was some other plan
One I don't care to understand
In the refuge of these foreign arms
I could find your holy land

How can it be that we defy this tragedy
From this lifeboat in the dark
Is it wrong that we could come together
Wind and sorrow bear a spark

In our soul and desperation
Truest thing we'd ever known
But to admit that to the world would be blasphemy
Just to show we had our ground

How can it be that we defy this tragedy
From this lifeboat in the dark
Is it wrong that we could come together
Wind and sorrow bear a spark

How can it be that we defy this tragedy
From this lifeboat in the dark
Is it wrong that we could come together
Wind and sorrow bear a spark

How can it be that we defy this tragedy
From this lifeboat in the dark
Is it wrong that we could come together
Wind and sorrow bear a spark

Whew! Is it hot in here? Ha ha ha... :)

An Open Letter To Tim McGraw

2007-12-12T11:06:00.000-06:00

Dear Mr. McGraw,

I'm sure you had no idea at the time that you wrote this song that you'd be writing one of the most horrible earworms of all time, but just the same, I HATE YOU.

Did you know that I once flunked a Native American History exam because of you? HUH? I had to read selected paragraphs from a book on different tribes in the US, and EVERY GODDAMN TIME I got to the word "Choctaw", your fucking song would pop in my head. EVERY TIME. You fuckstick. Try explaining THAT to a college professor. Go ahead and try.

Other than that, I don't really have much to say to you. I'm sure you're a nice enough man with a nice enough family, but really, next time be more careful.

Some Cherokee, no Choctaw,

Stephanie

A Little Stroll Down Memory Lane

2007-07-17T23:34:00.000-05:00

Tonight I went to my parent's house because I was going to drop off a book I'm loaning to my dad. (Devil in the White City, by Erik Larson. Excellent book.) I ended up staying for dinner (Free meal! I'm no dummy) and my mom and I got to talking about family mementos. She's got some antique jewelry that she was showing me, and then we were looking at various other things that she's had stashed away. Lots of papers (one of which was a divorce petition from one of her distant relatives from 1921. Scandalous!), hymnals, poems from her mother and grandmother, etc. Lots of really cool stuff. My grandma is quite the family historian, and she had passed on a lot of these things to Mom.

However, my mom? Not so much of a packrat. I asked her if she had kept any of the things we had made for her over the years (Valentines or cheesy craft projects or anything), and she admitted that there wasn't much, but what she did save was down in the basement. She had divided up what papers and things she had kept and put them in bins, one for each of us kids. Most of mine is just old school stuff: report cards, awards, various progress reports. But I did manage to find a few gems that had me laughing my ass off. I thought I'd share them here.

The first thing I found was something called a "Hazelwood Happygram" that they had given me at school. It was just a nice little note from one of my teachers that basically said something along the lines of "Stephanie is awesome." But before I brought it home to show my parents, I wrote, in my childish hand, "Mommy! I did good. I spelled all the words corectly! Yeah for me!" Oh, the irony! (But it also amuses me greatly that even as a kid, I was my own best cheerleader. "Go me!")

The next thing I found is by far my favorite thing that she saved. You all might not find this nearly as funny, but we were seriously cracking up at this, and I think I'm going to have the note framed. You all know those little contests that they have every year for Mother's Day where they pass out those pieces of paper that say "I Love My Mom Because..."? Well, I filled this out for her in May of 1987 (my comments in parentheses):

"I Love My Mom Because..."

I love my mom because she is nice, sweet and she cares about me. (Aw, aren't I sweet?? I am off to a great start, but as you'll see, it swiftly goes downhill.) If we go shopping she always picks out something she likes and I pick out something I like but I don't like what she picked and she doesn't like what I picked. It happens all the time. (The structure of this sentence alone was enough to get me giggling, but I cannot stress enough how opposite our tastes really are about damn-near everything. This is where she and I just DIED laughing.) When my kite broke, she gave me hers and hung it up in my room. My mom always gives me trouble. One time she tickled me and I fell out of my chair. (I absolutely LOVE just how fucking random this "essay" is. Seriously.) I love my mom very much. (Aaaaand I brought it back on topic to close...)

Love from,

Stephanie, age 9

I can't *imagine* why I wouldn't have won the contest. And it's nice to see my writing skills haven't improved all that much in 20 years.

Can I Get A Sub Sandwich With A Side of Music, Please?

2007-03-22T22:59:00.000-05:00

I recently discovered (thanks to my roomie) that this place delivers. They rock. Know why? Cuz they have salt & vinegar chips. Anywho, that's not what's important. The important bit is that we have a kick-ass delivery guy. This kid cracks me the hell up.

The first time I ordered, he showed up with my order and was playing Alice In Chains "Man in the Box". I dig AiC, so I said, "Hey, cool song." He says, "Aw, yeah - thanks!" and leaves.

The next time I order, he pulls up blasting the Foo Fighters, and as soon as I open the door, he says, "Ya like 'the Foo'?" and I laughed and said, "Yes, I do."

Tonight I called and placed an order; I place the order, yada, yada, and then the guy asks me, "Do you like TOOL? How does that sound?" and I said, "Hell yeah!" He asked me which song I prefer so I told him that he could play either "Sober" or "Prison Sex" -- that'd be great. He said, "Sweet. I haven't listened to that in a while. I'll see you in 15 minutes!"

Now I know he probably does this because it amuses him, and because he wants a better tip, but how many people can claim to have a delivery guy that takes requests?

Oooh - my sandwich just arrived. And as requested, I got "Sober". Heh. I love Jimmy John's.

[Shout-out to my gal Penny: Dude - I swear we haven't fallen off the map entirely. I just think our lives have been that boring. I'll get on Larry to blog something. Love ya - thanks for the nudge!]

...99, 100! Ready or not...

2007-02-01T22:32:00.000-06:00

...here comes my 100th post!

I am totally stumped as to what to do for such a momentous occasion. So you guys get a list. Of random shit. Good luck.

1. The other day, I composed a haiku in my head while trying to catch a wink between snooze-button smashes:

You wake me daily

Once, twice, many times you call

FUCK YOU, ALARM CLOCK.

2. I had saltines and peanut butter for lunch today. It totally reminded me of when I was in elementary school. If you forgot your lunch money, they gave you a cup of water, some half-frozen bread, and a wad of peanut butter. Good times, good times.
3. Does anyone else (outside of my immediate circle of friends) call things they don't know the names to "dammits"? As in, "Hey, hardware store guy! Do y'all sell any of those little dammits that I can use to hang pictures with??"
4. I got super-excited today when I discovered that dictionary.com will look up words in Spanish, too. Shut up. I didn't know.
5. I got 8 inches cut off of my hair back in December, and I still hate it. It'll take me forever to grow it back out.
6. I'm so broke right now, it's not even funny.
7. I cannot stop listening to Lovage, "Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By". Damn you, Mike Patton! And Jennifer Charles has the smoothest voice EVER. She's amazing.
8. God, I'm only on #8??? I'm so screwed.
9. I have a stuffed pig named "Ziggy" that oinks when you squeeze his snout. Yesterday, I was lying on the couch when I heard this weird noise and thought, "What the fuck is going on outside??" and that's when I realized that I had actually kicked Ziggy in the face when I was trying to get comfy. The crazy part? I then proceeded to pick him up, hug him, and APOLOGIZE. I really, really have to quit my second job... (I work part-time for a place that sells stuffed animals.)
10. It is fucking freezing in my apartment today.
11. I want to live in Spain, even if it's only for a short time.
12. If I worked at a bookstore, I'd never make any money. I'd use my paychecks to buy up the place. Library, schmibrary.
13. I could eat nachos every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner and be totally fine with it.
14. I want a friend that lives in England that can send me stuff. Mainly DVDs of shit I can't get here in the States.
15. I saw a band called Ozomatli back in November, and man, that was a great show. Those guys will make you MOVE YOUR ASS.
16. I have a tiny tv-crush on the dude that reveals the Secret Ingredient on Iron Chef America. Seriously. He cracks me up so badly. "FROZEN PEEEEEAAAS!!!"
17. I once saw 13 shooting stars in one night.
18. I am extremely jealous of folks that have creative talent. Knitting, sewing, basketweaving, painting, woodworking, guitar-playing, whatever. I can do none of these things.
19. I love notebooks, but don't really use them. But I keep buying them, thinking I'll have something worthy to write down someday. (I also buy a lot of pens for this same purpose, but I inevitably use those.)
20. I actually had a pony as a kid, and was terrified of it. What a waste, huh? I think I rode it maybe 5 times.
21. I still remember the first time I got stung by a bee. I was playing wiffle ball in the backyard, totally barefoot, and ran to first and *OUCH*. Stupid bee.
22. I once punched a brick wall to prove a point. I was right -- it hurt.
23. I once ran into one of my high school Spanish teachers at a monster truck show. It was probably the most surreal moment of my life so far.
24. I think squid tastes like you're chewing on a pencil eraser.
25. My roommate has three different penis-shaped drinking straws: flesh-colored, purple and glow-in-the-dark. Ah, the perks of going to a bachelorette party. Silly women.
26. I want to register at Target for gifts to recoup some of the money I've spent on other people's engagements/weddings/baby showers, because I'm pretty sure I'll never have any of those things, and I like gifts.
27. And yes, I know that last one makes me incredibly selfish. I don't care. It's my blog, right?
28. This blog has taken a turn towards Bittertown, Population: Me. I'd better back the fuck up.
29. Puppies!! Look at all the cuteness.
30. There, that's better.
31. I get to be Larry's designated driver when we go out this weekend. I owe him, big time.
32. The bar where we're going has karaoke, from what I'm told. I wonder if he'll give a repeat performance? We shall see.
33. I actually get to go hang out with some friends that I haven't seen in months on Saturday. It should be a lot of fun. Unfortunately, I have to work on Sunday morning, so it'll be relatively tame.
34. I really don't drink as much as reading this blog would lead you to believe. I swear.
35. I think I need to get glasses. I had my eyes checked months ago, and I only had a *slight* prescription, but I think I want to try anti-glare lenses. I spend a lot of time in front of computers, and it just strains my eyes. Ow, ow, ow.
36. My new comforter is pink, maroon and gold. It's not as ugly as it sounds.
37. I want this: Avenging Unicorn.
38. I'll probably forget to put my clothes in the dryer before I go to bed.
39. My roommate and I have been fighting over the Puzzle Fill-In book I bought the other day. We're like a couple of old ladies. I finally relented and switched to doing Sudoku books instead. Bitch.
40. I miss getting up, grabbing a bowl of cereal and watching Saturday-morning cartoons.
41. The first Beatles album I ever listened to was "Revolver". Eleanor Rigby is an amazing song.
42. The answer to life, the universe and everything.
43. There is a teddy bear wearing a gold chain sitting on top of my entertainment center. His name? Biggie Shackelton.
44. I wish I could spend more time with my friends and their kids. I'm like a stranger to them.
45. Things that can be found in my office: toothbrush, shotglass, Mardi Gras beads, a hunk of concrete with the name "Shawn" on it, a tiny stuffed pirate, movie posters, a pic of me and Steve Kline, three pictures of Rowdy Roddy Piper, a poster of Salvador Dali's "Swans Reflecting Elephants", a drawing of a dragon puking blood (an original work from the daughter of a friend), a giant origami panda.
46. Is not a prime number.
47. The only famous people I've ever met have been athletes.
48. My great-aunt used to get drunk every Christmas and tell us how we were somehow, very distantly, related to John Wayne. (Not true.)
49. I love the song "So Alive" by Love & Rockets.
50. Jennifer Garner's dimples scare me. It hurts me when she smiles.
51. I have horrible taste in music and movies.
52. I don't like sci-fi movies or horror movies too much, but most of the books I read are just that.
53. I have an extremely shitty memory. Sometimes it actually worries me.
54. I was home sick from work the other day and watched "Taxi Driver". DeNiro was unbelievable in that flick.
55. Sammy Hagar can't drive this fast.
56. I think "Death Cab for Cutie" is a stupid band name, and no one can convince me otherwise.
57. I need sleep. Badly.
58. I used to own a purple pair of KangaROOS when I was a kid. I kept a quarter in the little pouch.
59. One of my biggest worries is that I'll never have enough money to travel like I want to.
60. I always thought I wanted kids, but now I'm kind of scared at the thought.
61. I had my first taste of beer at age 5. Miller Genuine Draft. To this day, I hate MGD.
62. Don't tell anybody, but I think all Ramones songs sound pretty much the same.
63. If you like a sort of Euro-trash rock sound, check out this band. I dig 'em.
64. My obsession with British TV rolls on. Now I've been watching a show called (Un)Natural Acts, featuring some of the Boosh guys before they were famous. God, I love YouTube.
65. I was totally into LOST when it first came on television, and now I couldn't care less about it.
66. I'm probably one of the few women in America that doesn't want to sleep with George Clooney. I think he's handsome and funny and charming, surely, but there's just something that's not quite right. I don't know what it is though.
67. I just did a spell-check, and it told me to replace "schmibrary" with "scampering".
68. I think that there are more magnets on our fridge than there are items *in* the fridge.
69. "What number are we thinking of right now?"
70. I've taken reservations over the phone for customers in San Dimas, CA, and I ALWAYS want to ask them if their high school football does indeed "rule", but I always restrain myself. I think I should get some sort of award for that shit.
71. I am so bad at this blogging thing.
72. I never understood what all the fuss was about Harry Potter.
73. I once drove with some friends to Oklahoma (from Arkansas) in the middle of the night to get beer, and I forgot to take my shoes with me. I was a little uncomfortable in the store, but no one said anything.
74. I didn't go to my high school reunion a while back, and I don't regret it at all.
75. I don't know if I want to end up living in St. Louis for my entire life, but I don't know where else I'd want to go, either.
76. My roommate and I found the game "Operation" at Target for $8.00. SCORE. And no matter how careful I am, I cannot remove the fucking pencil from the Writer's Cramp space.
77. Ah, what a fine year. I heard some really cool chick was born in September.
78. Why do pencils come with such shitty erasers anymore? Or have they always been this way and I'm just now noticing??
79. A friend of mine has seen William Zabka get drunk at a wedding reception (a long time ago, granted) and I'm incredibly jealous. He said he was doing crane-kicks in the middle of the dance floor. That is just all kinds of awesome.
80. I used to have a science teacher in 6th grade that always said that he felt "naked" without his seatbelt on in the car. I don't know why I remember this.
81. My 1st grade gym teacher's sister once dated my dad.
82. I hate those little earbud headphones. Those NEVER stay in my ears.
83. My dad used to have an ashtray that looked very similar to this. I mean, what the FUCK??
84. Okay, now I'm just boring myself. But I'm close to the end, and dammit, I ain't quittin'!!
85. I was on the phone with a customer the other day and actually heard her spank her kid. With a belt. I was highly uncomfortable.
86. My first kiss was with a boy named Isaac.
87. I think Cracker Barrel is weird. Is it a restaurant or a freaking store?? I don't like the mixin' of the establishments. Go away, Cracker Barrel, and take your giant checker sets and chicken fried meats with you.
88. A friend of mine painted a watercolor for my roommate and I right after we moved into our apartment. That was over a year and a half ago and it's still not hung on the wall.
89. Does anyone remember Boglins? Those creepy latex puppet things?? I remember I had one, and I put a hoop earring through one of its ears.
90. I don't wear gold jewelry.
91. Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend just so I could get a fucking backrub.
92. It is going to be a long day at work tomorrow. Yay.
93. I had a Cabbage Patch doll, and I remember being really excited to finally have one. She was blond and had a green and white dress. Then I took her outside, ended up dropping her on her face, and she had this blue scratch on her cheek forever after. It kind of lost its novelty after that.
94. I hate Easter because all of the pastel decorations all over the place kind of make me sick. Plus, the Easter bunny makes NO sense to me, and furthermore, Peeps are disgusting. Okay, so *maybe* I'm a little bitter at being the oldest grandchild on the one side of the family, which made me the designated "egg hider" for the younger kids for years. Maybe.
95. I'm not a big fan of fireworks, but the best place I ever saw them from was in my aunt & uncle's boat, floating on Table Rock Lake. It was freaking sweet.
96. I've lived in St. Louis my entire life, yet just visited the MO Botanical Gardens for the first time last year. I've been missing out.
97. My car is filthy right now with all the salt it has on it. I hate winter.
98. I'm pretty sure that I grind my teeth in my sleep.
99. Luftballons.
100. I can't believe you read this far. *Golf Clap*

Holy shit. I'm headed for bed. Y'all have a nice weekend.

Christmas Meme-ories

2007-01-09T18:16:00.000-06:00

Okay, so Kal tagged me for this meme before he said he was leaving and ripped my little bloggy heart out. And I won't be tagging folks for this, but feel free to steal it or whatever.

Three things I got for Christmas:

1.) A new blanket:

I haven't actually put it on my bed yet, but I will soon. (I got a new comforter set that matches said blanket, but I want to rearrange my room and get it all nice before I use it. Could be a while...)

2.) My roommate got me what is probably my very favorite present this year. Season 1 of SOAP on DVD:

WOOT! This is only one of the best TV shows of all-time, so I was totally stoked. She told me what she had originally wanted to get me was The Mighty Boosh on DVD, but when she converted pounds to dollars, she damn-near fainted. Heh. But the thought was nice.

3.) SOCKS!:

My grandma gets me socks every year, bless her. I look forward to them, too, because she always gets me the kind I like, and I always need new socks. Yay!

Three things I did NOT want for Christmas:

1.) Just like Kal, I did not want to be sick again:

Three years in a row, I got laid-out by a horrible sinus infection. It would hit sometime on Christmas Eve day, and not subside til around New Year's Eve. Thankfully, that didn't happen this year. I'm guessing it's because I was sick during the freaking CARDINALS WORLD SERIES WIN that God decided to take pity on me. I'm not going to question it.

2.) Flavored lip-gloss:

My roommate and I did stocking stuff for each other this year because her mom made us stockings for the apartment. She got me some really cool stuff, and then there were these different flavors of lip gloss and, uh...they were icky. I didn't have the heart to tell her, just like I'm sure she didn't have the heart to tell me she didn't *really* appreciate the "Fart In A Jar" putty I put in her stocking. Heh. (But you can ask Larry - we messed with that stuff for hours, and were laughing like 12-year-olds every time. I'd say it was worth it. I seriously think my roommate has now hidden it so we can't play with it anymore, though. We may have liked it a little *too* much.)

3.) This necklace:

My mom got me something similar to this necklace. We had been shopping together and I wasn't at a store where I could find gifts for the folks that *I* had to buy for, so I was browing the selection of necklaces they had there. My mom was apparently still looking for gift ideas for me, so she asked me if I had found one that I liked. I told her no, because all the necklaces this particular store had were too shiny and sparkly for my taste. She must have thought I said that I DID want something shiny, hence the necklace. Oh well.

Anyway, I know it's incredibly late, but I hope y'all had a nice holiday season. I did.

¡Feliz Año Nuevo!

2007-01-02T21:53:00.000-06:00

Hey, you guys! How are you?? I'm so sorry that I've neglected you all for so long. I'm a shit. A drunk shit, but a shit nonetheless.

I've become a slave to this drink:

A few friends of mine and I have started a Tuesday night tradition. We have dinner at this Mexican restaurant that's fucking awesome. We're only six weeks in, but so far, they've been a raging sucess. (My only problem with it is that it is wayyyy too far from my house. Larry's volunteered to be my designated driver the last few weeks, though, so I've been free to partake of as many margaritas I can handle, which is two. They're "jumbo" size, but whatever.) So far, we've been having an absolute BLAST. They have a margarita there called a Blue Sky Lime Margarita. It's a lime margarita, but with blue curacao and I love it. It's like Kool-Aid, but with tequila. I want to marry it. If I could bathe in it, I would. Preferably with a sexy Mexican waiter, but solo is fine, too.

Anywho, I just thought I'd post to let you know that:

1) I am still alive.
2) I will be posting soon, I promise. Kal tagged me, dammit! I have to!
3) My drunken typing has improved GREATLY. It may have taken me forever to post this, but at least it's spelled correctly.

HAPPY 29TH, JACKASS!!

2006-11-01T00:37:00.000-06:00

(Okay, okay, so I don't mean the title to sound so harsh, but he knows I love him.)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LARRY!

"All Saints Day" my ass! That is a face that is not to be trusted!

So does THAT picture make up for the other one??? I hope you have a great birthday, kiddo. (See, I can call you that because I'm 45 days older than you.) Love ya, bro.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila...

2006-10-30T22:15:00.000-06:00

...FLOORED. I still can't believe we won. And I can't believe that I watched the game at home ALONE because I was fucking sick. Hell, I'm *still* sick, but whatever. Hopefully the worst is over.

Anywho...our boys won the World Series. Unbelievable. I think this picture sums it up best for me:

(pic via deadspin.com)

David Eckstein may be one of the smallest guys in MLB, but he's got the biggest heart of any of those fuckers. Rock on, Davey. ROCK ON.

WORLD SERIES BOUND, BABY!!!

2006-10-19T23:10:00.000-05:00

Our boys are the NLCS CHAMPS!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (We figured out earlier that there are 13 'O's in "Whoo!" when text-messaging a NLCS win...)

Thanks, Yadi!!!

I will have no voice tomorrow, I know it. And it's totally worth it.

Belated Birthday Present

2006-10-09T21:55:00.000-05:00

I just got the best late birthday gift:

"Oh, STOP it!!"

I had totally forgotten that one of Roomie's friends took pictures at my birthday party. She just brought them over tonight. I cannot stop laughing at this picture. Larry, I *still* can't believe you wore that hat over to 7-Eleven. Somehow, I think it's worse than the "Birthday Princess" crown. (Of which there is no photographic evidence of him wearing...unfortunately.)

What a night. Heh.

Z is for ZORBING

2006-10-06T00:26:00.000-05:00

Or as I like to call it, "Human Hamsterballing". Ever since I saw it on the show Travel Sick (which is brilliant, by the way) when the host visited New Zealand, I have wanted to do this:

I think it speaks for itself. And I saw that they're opening a facility somewhere in the Smoky Mountains soon. ROAD TRIP!!!

Y is for YEPES

2006-10-05T22:57:00.000-05:00

About artist George Yepes (via georgeyepes.com):

Born in Tijuana, raised in East L.A., and formed by a hard street life of poverty, gang violence and womanizing, this painter rises above and beyond the Chicano genre by calling on classical master works from Velasquez to Titian for inspiration. Self-taught, with a refined renaissance bent; from religious iconography to erotica George Yepes brings a confidence and knowledge of his craft that calls to mind the great Mexican Muralists. Imbued with a contemporary street sense, his paintings and murals combine the best of both worlds where bravado meets classical standards. This is a painter who could have challenged the old greats in the salon, or kicked their asses in the back alley.

One of the more prolific painters in the Chicano Mural Movement of the late 70's, Yepes gained his early reputation as a ferocious painter when he painted with notables from Carlos Almaraz and Frank Romero to Gilbert "Magu" Lujan. He then became an instrumental partner in the mural group "East Los Streetscapers" until he decided that group painting wasn't suited to his temperment or pace. With grand scale and furious momentum Yepes has painted eloquent social, historical, and sacred images onto the facades of everything from churches, hospitals and freeway overpasses to album covers. His album cover for Los Lobos titled La Pistola y el Corazon has won numerous awards, and is in many museum collections. (Sean Penn and Madonna bought the original painting for a record-breaking sum in 1989.) His 28 murals are landmarks in Los Angeles, as are the 21 murals his Academia de Arte Yepes students have painted. The Academia is his free mural painting academy through which Yepes has taught nearly 1500 low-income students over the last decade. His mural painting concepts and designs continue to be studied by graduate students and scholars across the United States.

The aforementioned Los Lobos album cover:

"La Pistola y el Corazon"

A favorite:

"La Serenata"

This is the painting that I saw featured in Robert Rodriguez's "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" that I totally fell in love with:

"Shotgun Messenger"

I think his work is absolutely fascinating. If only I could purchase a piece or two. Guess I should buy a lottery ticket, huh?

X is for X-ecutioners

2006-10-04T23:48:00.000-05:00

From the Ipecac Records site:

Mike Patton has taken on a lot of different musical styles over the years, but what about hip-hop? Now before you start having nightmares of Mr. Patton dressed up in his own designer clothing line with gold chains, and spouting off about 'representing,' relax - he's still the same old loveable vocal terrorizer that we all know and love. It's just that now he's hooked up with one of the world's most respected DJ groups, New York City's The X-ecutioners, for their first ever collaboration together, GENERAL PATTON VS. THE X-ECUTIONERS.

Best known as the front man for Faith No More and Mr. Bungle, Patton has long been considered one of the top (and most versatile) singers in all of rock. Additionally, Patton is the co-head of Ipecac Recordings (along with partner Greg Werckman), and is a member of various other bands - Fantômas, Tomahawk, and Peeping Tom - in addition to appearing on countless recordings by other artists. Patton has also recently branched out into other areas as well, including acting (playing two separate roles in Steve Balderson's 'Firecracker'), and scoring the music for a videogame for Rockstar Games. The X-ecutioners on the other hand, have long been one of the most respected DJ crews in all of hip-hop, issuing albums both on their own (including 2002's 'Built From Scratch,' which peaked at #15 on the Billboard Top 200), as well as with others (Organized Konfusion, The Beatnuts, Artifacts, etc.). The trio also was the opening act on Eminem's 2002 Anger Management Tour.

The collaboration came about after both factions performed a few improvisational live shows together. With the sweet scent of chemistry soon wafting through the air, it was decided to take it a step further - collaborate on a full-on recording. Patton supplied the X-Men (as they are also known) with select records from his collection to build 'blocks of sound' with, before the singer added overdubs and concentrated on whipping the sounds into full-fledged arrangements. What followed is the first recording that Patton has ever recorded and mixed into his own computer, without the aid of anyone else.

And let me tell you, the album is like nothing else that I own. One of my favorite parts of the whole album is the dialogue between two of the tracks. And forgive me for paraphrasing them here:

Frantic soldier: "But war isn't the same now! These days weapons are made to fire fantastic distances!! How the HELL is the enemy supposed to see my appeasement signals?!??"
[PAUSE]
Calm commanding officer: "Don't worry, it's a fair fight. You can't see theirs, either."

...and then the music kicks back in. It's fucking sweet.

W is for WALRUS

2006-10-04T00:56:00.000-05:00

The Walrus and The Carpenter
Lewis Carroll, 1872

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?"
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

V is for VINCENT PRICE

2006-10-04T00:17:00.000-05:00

One of the coolest dudes to ever come out of St. Louis. And since it's getting closer to Halloween, I thought I'd do a little post about him.

From imdb.com:

Vincent Price, (1911-1993)
Actor, writer, and gourmet, born in St Louis, Missouri. He traveled through Europe, studied at Yale, and became an actor. He made his screen debut in 1938, and after many minor roles, he began to perform in low-budget horror movies such as House of Wax (1953), achieving his first major success with House of Usher (1960). Known for his distinctive, low-pitched, creaky, atmospheric voice and his quizzical, mock-serious facial expressions, he went on to star in a series of acclaimed Gothic horror movies, such as Pit and the Pendulum (1961) and The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971).

He abandoned films in the mid-1970s, going on to present cooking programs for television - he wrote "A Treasury of Great Recipes" (1965) with his second wife, Mary Grant - but he had two last roles in The Whales of August (1987) and Edward Scissorhands (1990). He also recorded many Gothic horror short stories for the spoken-word label Caedmon Records.

And of course, I couldn't resist posting this:

*Edited to add: Oh, holy shit. I can't stop laughing. While looking for the version posted above, I also found this:

That is fucking awesome.

U is for UNINSPIRED

2006-10-03T23:41:00.000-05:00

I had no idea what to make this post about.

Umbrellas? (I would rather actually get wet than carry one. Seriously. Something is wrong with me.)

Uncles? (One's dead, one's an ass, and the other one that I love to death but never see.)

Underwater? (I don't think I could ever go scuba diving. If a fish came near me, I would scream and lose my shit.)

Underwhelmed? (By how the St. Louis Cardinals finished the season.)

Ubiquitous? (The fucking orange construction barrels that are EVERYWHERE in this damn city. I mean, MY GOD.)

Take your pick.

T is for TERRIFYING

2006-10-03T21:46:00.000-05:00

And on the other hand, we have the children's program that scared the absolute shit out of me:

You tell me that bitch ain't creepy. *shudder*

Somebody hold me.

S is for SESAME STREET

2006-10-03T20:52:00.000-05:00

And my favorite character...

He rules. Check him out:

R is for READING

2006-09-28T23:42:00.000-05:00

That's my mom. It's her yearbook photo from her senior year of high school. She married my dad when she was 20, had me when she was 25, and passed away four days after her 31st birthday. I was five years old. I'm 29 now, and I still miss her. Hell, I'm typing this post with tears in my eyes.

But that's not what this post is about.

My mom was very sick when I was little, and was in and out of the hospital a lot of the time. But when she was home, we got to spend as much time together as possible. And because she was sick and couldn't move around a whole lot, she did what she could.

And what she could do was teach me to read.

I have vague memories of the times we spent going over the alphabet again and again and again. The times I spent sitting on her lap, and she'd ask me to name all the words I could think of that rhymed with whatever word she might have said: "Okay, try 'cat'." "Um...bat, fat, hat, mat, pat, sat?" "Good!" I remember one of the first words she taught me to spell was "hippopotamus". (My dad used to try to convince me that "R-O-L-A-I-D-S" spelled "relief", but he's a fucking smartass.) By the time I was three, I was reading. And I've never stopped.

It was absolutely the most valuable thing she ever gave me, my love of reading. I feel like I owe her so much for that. I did well in school mostly all of my life, and I know it all started there. Because of her. I only hope that I do the same for my kids someday, if I ever have any.

I'd like to look into a literacy program here and see if I can't start volunteering somehow. Maybe if I ever get my Spanish degree, I could be a bilingual reading tutor. I would love that so much.

Now I just need to get off my ass and do it.

(I love you, Mom. Thank you.)

Q is for QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE

2006-09-27T21:21:00.000-05:00

Troy Van Leeuwen, Josh Homme, Joey Castillo

This band just fucking ROCKS. Got to see them live last October with Nine Inch Nails, and they were fantastic. (Thanks, Larry!)

This is the first time since my Mike Patton phase (which is still in full swing, frankly) that I've loved every single thing I've heard a band (even with it's constantly rotating lineup) perform. They have a real bluesy, guttural guitar sound that just grabs me. And Josh Homme's vocals have a way of lulling me into a trance. It certainly doesn't hurt that he and the current drummer, Joey Castillo, also happen to be sexy as hell.

Little Sister:

Mexicola:

Just awesome.

P is for PANIC

2006-09-26T22:40:00.000-05:00

For the last few years, I have had mixed feelings about this time of year. What do I love? The cooler weather, the crisp night air. What do I hate? Fucking Halloween. *sigh* I've previously ranted about it here, but I'm not getting into all that again.

So why the panic? Because for the last 6 years or so, I've had to attend a costume party. Now don't get me wrong, the parties are fantastic, but trying to come up with a costume is a BITCH. Two things about my costumes: they have to be comfortable, and they have to be cheap.

Here's the rundown of the previous ones I've tried:

a gypsy (I carried around a Magic 8-Ball and told people their "fortune".)
a tourist (I had about three cameras around my neck that night - came in pretty handy.)
a hockey fan (This one was so lame -- I had a hockey jersey, and made it look like I got hit in the face with a puck -- that I was actually embarrassed to show up, but whatever.)
a dysfunctional superhero (A gang of us were each our own thing, but when we stood in a line, the letters on our chests spelled "FUCK". I was "Keg Queen". This one was actually a LOT of fun.)
a Poison groupie (My cousin thoroughly enjoyed this one because she got to crimp my hair, and it looked fucking CRAZY. She laughed her ass off the entire time she was doing it. Bitch.)
a Venetian blind (People liked this one more than I thought they would, although most folks didn't get it at first.)
Spanish fly (Got a lot of compliments on this one. And I only spent $12.00 on it. Awesome.)

So this year I am FREAKING OUT because try as I might, I CANNOT think of anything. Fucking costume parties. Augh!!

Email me with suggestions if ya got 'em -- don't post 'em in the comments. I don't want everyone knowing what my costume might end up being. We all usually try to surprise each other.

O is for OBNOXIOUS

2006-09-25T22:46:00.000-05:00

Emphasis on the "noxious". I just had the following chat with my brother (who is not Larry):

------------------------
me: I just want to tell someone this:I have the most overwhelming urge to walk over to my neighbor's apartment (where he and [roommate] are hanging out) and say, "Hey, have I introduced you guys to my friend, Tootie?" and then fart and walk out of the room...

Brother Who Is Not Larry: I wd do it. definitely.

me: Yeah, but girls don't get the same kind of carte blanche for doing stuff like that - it's not fair.

BWINL: they do if the people around are cool; if not, its really not their problem; people can lighten up or be stodgy bitches (but either way they'll have to deal with the smell)

me: LOL! Well now I'm not even sure I could fart on cue anymore. Maybe the moment has, uh, passed...

BWINL: [girlfriend] & i are working for a society in which all can rip ass equally just not in enclosed spaces..

me: That is a noble goal, to be sure. Fight the power!! \m/

BWINL: is that a fist, my nubian queen??

me: Yes, yes it is

BWINL: cuz its pizzimp!

me: ha ha ha! Sweeeet. Did you finally watch the ep of the Office?

BWINL: yeah, but can we chat about it later (i'm trying & not really succeeding to finish this paper that needs to be done by thurs when school starts...)

me: Oh, that's fine. Just wanted to see if you saw it. Best ep of the Office I've seen yet.

BWINL: i'm not sure i agree, but we can discuss later

me: ha ha - ok

BWINL: gotta get to it & you gotta make an royal entrance...with fanfare!

me: I'll see what I can do!

BWINL: bonam fortunam!*

me: bottom fart-unam!!

BWINL: yup! nice. later!

me: bye
------------------------

*Latin for "good luck"

N is for NOCTURNAL

2006-09-24T23:34:00.000-05:00

What the hell is wrong with me? I must be a fucking masochist or something. Here it is, past midnight on a fucking Sunday, and I'm up typing this. I know better, but here I am. And I'm not even tired. That's the worst part.

I can't remember the last time I woke up and thought anything but, "God, I can't wait to crawl back into bed tonight...", and then I go to bed and toss and turn for hours.

I've turned into a fucking zombie.

My life is a complete mess. I think I've just been drifting along the last few years or so, and I'm fucking fed up. It's like I'm waiting for my problems to magically fix themselves, and I'll have this sudden revelation. I've never been a baby-steps kind of gal. I'm all about instant gratification. And my goals just seem so...far away, you know? Like, if I were running a race, I'd still be at home putting on my fucking shoes. And then I'd break a lace, and have to go to the store and get new ones, and that just means that I'm running even later...eh.

I just don't know when I started hating myself so much. I know exactly what I need to do, and I just stubbornly refuse to do a damn thing about it. I'd kick my own ass, if I could. I mean, how stupid can one person be??? You'd think I'd have grown up by now, but you'd be horribly wrong.

Gah. Just ignore me.

M is for MALAGUEÑA

2006-09-24T03:49:00.000-05:00

"Malagueña" is a song written by Cuban songwriter Ernesto Lecuona back in 1927. I have yet to hear it in it's orginal form, but I am absolutely in love with the version that Robert Rodriguez does with his band, Chingon. (Chingon is Spanish for "Badass".) Chingon is comprised of Rodriguez (director of many films, including my personal favorite, Once Upon A Time In Mexico), and members of an Austin-based Latin rock band called Del Castillo.

I believe that you can hear this song playing over the credits of Kill Bill, Vol. 2.

Lyrics:

Que bonitos ojos tienes (What pretty eyes you have)
Debajo de esas dos cejas (Under those two eyebrows)
Debajo de esas dos cejas (Under those two eyebrows)
Que bonitos ojos tienes (What pretty eyes you have)

Ellos me quieren mirar (They want me to look)
Pero si tu no los dejas (But if you don’t leave them)
Pero si tu no los dejas (But if you don’t leave them)
Ni siquiera parpadear (Not even to flash)

Malagueña salerosa (Graceful woman of Málaga)
Besar tus labios quisiera (To kiss your wanted lips)
Besar tus labios quisiera (To kiss your wanted lips)
Malagueña salerosa (Graceful woman of Málaga)
Y decirte nina hermosa (And telling you, beautiful girl)

Que eres linda y hechicera (That you are pretty and magical)
Que eres linda y hechicera (That you are pretty and magical)
Como el candor de una rosa (As the innocence of a rose)

Si por pobre me desprecias (If in poverty you despise me)
Yo te concedo razon (I give you truth)
Yo te concedo razon (I give you truth)
Si por pobre me desprecias (If in poverty you despise me)

Yo no te ofrezco riquezas (I do not offer you wealth)
Te ofrezco mi corazon (I offer you my heart)
Te ofrezco mi corazon (I offer you my heart)
A cambio de mi pobreza (In exchange for my poverty)

Malagueña salerosa (Graceful woman of Málaga)
Besar tus labios quisiera (To kiss your wanted lips)
Besar tus labios quisiera (To kiss your wanted lips)
Malagueña salerosa (Graceful woman of Málaga)
Y decirte nina hermosa (And telling you, beautiful girl)

Que eres linda y hechicera (That you are pretty and magical)
Que eres linda y hechicera (That you are pretty and magical)
Como el candor de una rosa (As the innocence of a rose)
Y decirte nina hermosa (And telling you, beautiful girl)

For your viewing pleasure (check out the 2:15 mark when über-dork Quentin Tarantino makes a brief appearance):

L is for LAZY

2006-09-22T23:51:00.000-05:00

I got nothin' folks. Sorry.

*hangs head in shame*

I'm going to bed.

K is for KRASINSKI

2006-09-22T00:02:00.000-05:00

John Krasinski (my American TV boyfriend) is one of the stars of NBC's "The Office". He plays Jim Halpert on the show. If you all aren't watching this show, then I just don't know what to tell you. The Season 3 premeire aired tonight, and it was fucking hysterical. There is a reason this show won an Emmy, people. Each and every cast member is absolutely brilliant, and it is just laugh-out-loud funny.

I couldn't decide which clip I wanted, so I snagged two. The first is from an episode where the boss, Michael Scott (played by Steve Carrell), is trying to settle some disputes that have occurred between Jim and Dwight (played by Rainn Wilson):

The second is a scene where Dwight is telling Jim that he should get himself a fitness orb:

For someone like me that has absolutely NO poker face, John is SO deadpan that I can hardly stand it. Watch "The Office", y'all. Honestly. You won't be sorry.

J is for JUMPJOE

2006-09-20T22:23:00.000-05:00

Or Janitor Joe. Whatever you call it, I loved the HELL out of this game when I was a kid. I've even spent a bit of time tonight poking around the web to see if I could find a download, but no dice. (At least not one that works - I'll have to talk to a few guys at work and see what can be done about it.)

From gamingdepot.com:

"Joe is the Janitor on a automated space station. Unfortunately, The Robots have gone Berzerk! And are after Joe, the only human they know of. Joe must find all his keys and escape the space station, or he will be killed by the Mad Robots. Joe's keys are located around the station in 5 different rooms. Obstacles which Joe must avoid include: The Mad Robots, Long Jumps and Falls, and Low Oxygen. In some of the rooms are Special devices which may help Joe escape the robots suchs as slides in room #2.After finishing five rooms there is a special halftime and then play resumes only after the robots are madder! There are five difficulty levels, five different Halftimes, and a Special room. The special room is hidden, but finding it may be profitable. Can you find the Special Room? "

Sometimes, I really miss being a kid.

I is for IPECAC

2006-09-19T22:21:00.000-05:00

ip·e·cac n.
A preparation that is made from the dried roots and rhizomes of the shrub Cephaelis ipecacuanha that is used to induce vomiting.

Things that make me want to vomit:

Deviled Eggs

Tuna

Ben Affleck

Something that doesn't make me vomit:

Mike Patton

Ironically, his record label? Ipecac Records. I'm a huge fan of his, and his bands Fantomas, Tomahawk and Peeping Tom all have albums distributed thru this label, in addition to some other really great bands, most of which are pretty obscure. Check 'em out, if you're so inclined.

Really I just wanted an excuse to post a pic of Mike Patton.

H is for HILARIOUS

2006-09-18T23:15:00.000-05:00

I was trying to come up with something that started with "H" for this post, and for whatever reason, "Huggy Bear" popped into my head. I did a Google Image Search, and this is what I found:

Now come on...doesn't that little guy look like he could use a hug???

G is for GRATEFUL

2006-09-18T22:41:00.000-05:00

Time to put some grrr in my attitude and express a little gratitude. Thanks to all for an awesome birthday weekend.

Seriously, I have the best friends that a girl could have, and I love and adore each and every one of you.

So here's a big kiss, from me to you:

Birthday Shenanigans, Part 3

2006-09-17T01:27:00.000-05:00

Birthday Shenanigans, Part 2

2006-09-17T00:21:00.000-05:00

Birthday Shenanigans, Part 1

2006-09-16T22:45:00.000-05:00

F is for FUBAR-ED

2006-09-16T21:09:00.000-05:00

Which is what I'm about to be, the more I keep drinking.

Stay tuned for some audio posts...

WHOO!!

E is for EXCITED

2006-09-15T22:09:00.000-05:00

My roommate fucking RULES. She scored us some sweet seats at the Cardinals game tomorrow, and I am super-stoked. The only game I wanted to see in person this year was a Cards vs. Giants game. Why?

I'm hoping to see this man:

I LOVE Steve Kline. One of my top five favorite Cardinal players of all-time. I've met him before, and he's absolutely hilarious. I was upset when he got traded, but I guess that you shouldn't really flip your manager the bird during a nationally-televised game. Oops. :) Now he's a reliever for the Giants, but I don't care. I'll be yelling my fool head off.

Section 137. Eleven rows off the field. Right on the first base-line. And absolutely free. I can't WAIT!! GO CARDS!!

(And in other news, Cry-Baby was on HBO right when I got off of work tonight. My birthday weekend is off with a great start! WHOO! Stay tuned tomorrow for some audio blogs...more drunken audio blogs. Same great taste, but less typing.)

D is for DORK

2006-09-14T13:22:00.000-05:00

I own the soundtrack to Top Gun. I like to blast Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" when I'm driving, but I'm too embarrassed to leave my windows down.

Dumb and Dumber is one of my very favorite movies.

I once text-messaged someone "u r a buttface )( <-- that is your face".

I can't watch really suspenseful or scary movies with my feet uncovered.

I have a really ticklish forehead and once I accidentally kicked the guy who was washing my hair at the salon because the water pressure was so high.

I refer to my three (and only three) hairstyles in football terms: down, halfback, fullback.

I think fart jokes are funny.

The other night I cracked myself up when I put one of those giant foam fingers on my hand, pointed at my brother, and shouted, "THERE HE IS!! THERE'S THE MAN THAT SHOT MY DOG!!!"

I am a fan of Justin Timberlake. It's my secret shame. (That's-not-so-secret anymore...)

My roommate once caught me yelling at a contestant on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" on TV because he got the answer wrong on the $200 question.

Every once in a while, I squeeze the toothpaste tube right in the middle, just to irritate my roommate. Seriously, it drives her nuts. It's great.

My roommate and I were once making appetizers to take to a party. She said, "Can you hand me the knife?" My response?? "Oh, hang on. I'm not done yet. ~PAUSE~ Yeah, in the kitchen? They call me 'Crockpot'...cuz I'm a slow cooker." I laughed for days over that.

I once took John Travolta's name in vain.

My very first celebrity crush was Kenny Rogers.

I snort when I laugh really hard, and my face turns bright red.

I want to start a band called "Kangaroo Gangbang". I've even thought of the logo I'd use.

I want to start my own catchphrase. That's why my heading reads "Like Baby Bear's Porridge". "How's the weather there?" "Oh, man, it's like baby bear's porridge!" Yeah.

I want a pair of fingerless gloves that say "SLUG" on my right hand, and "FEST" on my left.

A friend and I were singing along to "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats, and when the song gets to the part where the woman starts spelling "safety" in the background, we BOTH MISSPELLED IT...in unison.

C is for COSTA RICA

2006-09-13T21:17:00.000-05:00

For anyone who has known me for the last few years, this post is predictable as hell. I went to Costa Rica back in the summer of 2004, and absolutely fell in love with the place. I just thought I'd use this post as an excuse to relive it a bit, and post a few pics in the process. (Tracie, Kristi, Larry: Feel free to skip this post! Heh...)

La Paz Waterfall Garden and Butterfly Observatory:

This place was gorgeous, of course. The walk took you down the side of a mountain, so you started at the Butterfly Sanctuary, then wound your way down to the waterfalls, and then back up. Quite a hike, but well worth it.

The Hot Springs at Tabacón:

THIS is where I'd want to go for my honeymoon. Oh, man. During the day? Stupid hippie yoga spa. After dark?? Sexy, sexy, sexy. All steamy and dramatically lit, with plenty of places where you can have some privacy. All I could think about was how my visit was wasted with a tour group instead of a boyfriend/husband/random cabana boy. The pools are formed by hot springs that flow down from Volcano Arenal, which you can view from some of the pools, if you're lucky. (We were actually pretty fortunate to see a lot of volcanic activity while we were in Costa Rica. Sometimes the volcanoes aren't as active, or it's too humid and foggy to see anything. Not the case for a majority of our nights there. It was SO COOL.)

Manuel Antonio National Park:

Monkeys, hermit crabs, and lizards, oh my!! This place was gorgeous, too. We lounged for an entire day on the beach, after hiking about a 1.5 miles to get to a nicer, less-crowded area. Paradise.

Our tour guide and bus driver:

These guys were AWESOME. Juan Carlos is the man on the left, and he was our bus driver. Wow, could Juan Carlos drive a tour bus. For the first three days, I seriously thought I was going to die. After that, it was like a carnival ride. Thank GOD for dramamine. Seriously. And José (the man on the right) was just about the best tour guide we could have asked for. The man knew EVERYTHING. (And I *may* have had a massive crush on him. It's not my fault, though. The man had the softest, thickest hair I've ever had the priviledge of running my hands through. WOW.)

Our last night, spent in San Jose:

The kids were a group that did folk-dancing for tourists like us. It was hilarious to me, because these kids looked FUCKING BORED. It was kind of awesome.

And I tried to post a pic of the view from the restaurant where we had dinner that night, but it was too blurry. I have video of it, but don't know how to post it. All I know is that I stood there that evening, at this restaurant on the side of a mountain, looking out over everything, and I said to my mom (who's in heaven, and who I talk to all the time), "Do you see me?? Do you see where I am *right now*??", and I had tears streaming down my face. I don't know what came over me, but that's the truth. That trip changed my fucking life, I'm telling you.

And now I might have the chance to go back, for two weeks, for only the price of airfare. Long story short: I have a friend that has relatives there, and she wants me to go with her next summer when she goes to spend two weeks. TWO WEEKS. Living with a Spanish-speaking family. I am so excited. Now I just need to save my nickels and dimes, and pray to God.

Maybe when I'm down there, I'll get another tattoo (it's on my ankle) from Ted at the Blue Iguana. (Thanks for that extra spending money, Mom!)

B is for BARRATT

2006-09-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

He's the sexy mo-fo on the left. Partner-in-crime Noel Fielding is the man on the right.

Julian Barratt. My British TV boyfriend. I LOVE this man. He is one half of the absolute genius that is The Mighty Boosh. One night back in early spring, I was flipping channels and noticed a show called "The Mighty Boosh" on BBC America. I thought, "What the *hell* is THAT?!?" so I selected it and read the little synopsis they give you (thanks, digital cable!), and read this:

Killeroo. Bob Fossil sets up a highly illegal and shady kangaroo boxing match between the Killeroo and Howard. Howard thinks that by winning the fight he will impress the Head of Reptiles, Mrs Gideon. Vince enlists his uncle, a bare-knuckle fighter with a very strange accent, to help with Howard's training.

There was absolutely no way that I wasn't going to watch this show. And within the first minute, I was completely hooked. I've since seen all 14 episodes, which wasn't easy. BBC America never aired the Boosh again where I could see it (4:00 on a Sunday morning, you assholes??), so I had to rely on YouTube (thanks, Internet!).

And speaking of YouTube, here's a little taste of Episode 206 "The Nightmare of Milky Joe":

In addition to writing and starring in the show, he actually writes and performs most of the songs used in the show, along with Noel. He's just fucking brilliant.

*SIGH* I just wish I could buy the DVDs here in the States. And that I could get his autograph someday. Or have his lovechild. Whichever, really.

A is for AUDIO

2006-09-11T23:14:00.000-05:00

A to Z Posting

2006-09-11T23:08:00.000-05:00

My friend Tracie decided that to get us all posting more often, it might be fun to do some posts from A to Z. Today was the start day, but if you all wanna jump in, please feel free. The details are on her blog here. I think it's a great idea, and I'm all for it. We'll see how good I do when this is all over.

Where the $&#!@ is the Aleve??

2006-08-20T00:19:00.001-05:00

Good LORD. I should never, never be left to my own devices.

I don't watch sappy movies because I usually can't stand them. I'm not a very girly girl. I'm a cynical, pessimistic crabass most of the time.

Tonight, I *had* planned on going to a friend's house to watch movies, but I was so tired when I got home from work at 4:30pm that I ended up taking a nap, sleeping through my alarm, and not waking up until almost 9:00 tonight. Bad, bad, bad. My roommate was just headed out for the night (because, you know, she HAS a life), so I ended up at home with nothing to do. I figured, "Well, I'll probably just do some laundry and read a book...maybe see what's on TV." That was my mistake.

Flipping through channels, I saw that "The Notebook" was just starting. I'd heard that this was a good movie, and I think that Rachel McAdams is adorable, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Holy shit, was that the wrong choice. That movie got me hook, link and sinker. I cried my fucking eyes out. Thank goodness I was alone when I watched it. I was a MESS. I felt like someone just shot my dog or something.

Never in my life have I been more terrified of growing older and being alone.

Good movie, though. I can't say that I'd recommend it, necessarily, any more than I'd recommend getting punched in the stomach or stabbing yourself in the thigh with a steak knife, but it was good.

Now I'm off to watch some "Arrested Development" and all will be right with the world. That'll make me feel better.

The Name Game

2006-08-14T00:25:00.001-05:00

Wow! I hadn't realized that I'd actually been tagged. Thanks, Kal.

Okay, here we go:

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)

Max Basston

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy)

Russelyne Twix

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)

S. Ly

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)

Magenta Penguin

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Lynn St. Louis

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom's maiden name and first 3 letters of the town you grew up in)

FowSt GeStl

7. TERRORIST NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)

Not doing this one.

8. SUPERHERO NAME: (your favorite color, favorite drink)

The Magenta Rumandcoke

I love my coworkers...

2006-08-09T21:01:00.001-05:00

...that know how to use Photoshop. I have been laughing at this all damn day.

I told you that's what it looked like!

Post a Pack of Piper Pictures

2006-08-08T19:38:00.001-05:00

(There are actually only three pictures that I'm going to post, but I am a dork and wanted to use that title anyway.)

And these pictures are shit, mainly because:

I look like I have never seen a hairbrush in my life
I HAVE A PAIR OF CHOPSTICKS TUCKED BEHIND MY EAR THAT I FORGOT ABOUT
My eyes get very squinty when I smile, and I hate that

But because I love you all, I am posting them here anyway. I will probably live to regret it, but that is okay.

NO. 1:

"Look, ma! I met Rowdy Roddy Piper, and now we's goin' ta prom!!"

NO. 2:
"You're...too sexy for your shirt! Too sexy for your shirt! Um, can I take it off??"

NO. 3:

"Dear GOD, do not make eye contact! Just set the camera on the bar, point and shoot! I am NOT paying $5.00 for this crazy bastard's photo. Oh, shit! He didn't see the flash, did he?!? Let's get outta here!"

So there they are. I will probably never go back to Flashback Weekend, but I did have an awesome time. Plus, you know, Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Hot Rod!

2006-07-31T22:52:00.001-05:00

(My apologies right off the bat for the length of this post. I didn't know how to make it any shorter, besides splitting it into two parts, and I knew I'd never finish it if I did that. It's more for me to remember my weekend by, though, so you can skip it if ya wanna. Really, I won't mind. It's long. You insist on reading?? Okay...but don't say I didn't warn you!)

This last weekend, some guys from work and I went to Rosemont, IL to attend their annual horror convention, called Flashback Weekend. (And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I had to tell folks where I was going, this is how it went: "I'm going to Chicago for Flashback Weekend." "What's that?" "A horror convention." "A WHAT convention?!??" *sigh* "Yeah, right, I said 'whore convention'. I go to Chicago every year to learn new tricks. And no, don't ask - you couldn't afford me. GEEZ...idiot.")

And why were we going, you ask? Well, I'll tell ya. To meet this man:

FUCKIN' ROWDY RODDY PIPER.

My favorite wrestler of all time, and star of the kick-ass John Carpenter film "They Live". Some facts about Roddy, from IMDB.com:

After a falling out with his father, he hit the road, and from age 12 to 15, he stayed in youth hostels wherever he could find them.
Former Golden Gloves boxer and Black belt in Judo.
Notorious for hitting Jimmy Snuka in the head with a coconut on television in 1984.
Inducted into the World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) Hall of Fame in 2005.
At Starrcade 1983, Piper beat Greg Valentine in the legendary "dog collar" match. Roddy lost 75% of the hearing in his left ear, which remains today.
At Wrestlemania V, Piper did a Piper's Pit segment interviewing Brother Love and the late Morton Downey Jr. Downey repeatedly blew smoke in Piper's face, so Piper used a fire extinguisher on him.
The fight between Roddy Piper ("Nada") and Keith David ("Frank") in the movie "They Live" was only supposed to last 20 seconds, but Piper and David decided to fight it out for real, only faking the punches to the face. Carpenter was so impressed he kept the 5 minutes and 20 second scene intact.

And some quotes:

"I have come here to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and I'm all out of bubble gum."
"Just when they think they know all the answers, I change the questions."
"Real men wear kilts."
"I'm so quick, I could spit in the wind, duck, and let it hit the old lady behind me."
"I don't need to know how tough I am to know how tough I am."

It was a BLAST.

So we got up super-early on Saturday morning so that we could hit the road by 6:00am. Or at least, that was the plan. *I* was up on time (for once), but I ended up having to wait for my buddy, K, to get to my apartment, so we got a late start. No big deal, though. The drive was uneventful, but I'll give you the highlights:

"Just between you and me, I'm pretty sure he killed a homeless guy one time..."

"What CD is this?" "TOOL." "Oh...my brother really likes TOOL. Hee hee...that sounds kinda gay..." "You think that's gay?? I was just about to say, 'Man, we're so close to Rowdy Roddy Piper I can almost taste it!!'"

"I am the TURKISH FLAME!!"

Anyway. So we get to our motel and check-in, then head for the *other* hotel where the convention was taking place. I had never gone to one of these before (and probably never will again, frankly), so I had *NO* earthly idea what to expect. Needless to say, it was not nearly as freaky as I feared. It was just a bunch of geeky, tattooed goth kids. And us. (Geeky, yes, but we only have one tattoo between the three of us.) We got our wristbands for the convention and the drive-in, and our autograph vouchers for Roddy Piper. K and I were practically giddy at this point.

We had arrived just in time for the Q & A session with Rowdy, so we took our seats in the conference room and got the camera ready. They cued up the bagpipe music, and he took the stage. He was very humble and gracious, down-to-earth, and fucking hilarious. I love this guy. Some highlights:

In reference to his first match: "I set the world record for the shortest match ever, man. That guy pinned me in TEN SECONDS."
Talking about practical jokes: "Are there any kids in the room? No? Alright, so this fucker's favorite thing to do was take shits in people's hats and shoes! I swear to God! He could put the fucking DQ swirl on it and everything!"
From a guy in the audience: "I have a bagpipe question..."

He was so endearing on stage, I swear. At one point, someone asked him about how he got his start, and he got emotional and had to stop talking for an entire minute because he was trying to keep from crying. It was so sweet to see how grateful he is for everything he has, even after all these years. He is just so fucking cool.

After the Q & A (which ended way too soon for our tastes), we walked around the vendor's room to see what they had to offer, and got some free books and posters. Cheesy shit, you know? Then we got in line to get our autographs from Rowdy. We were just screwing around in line when I looked over and saw a bald-headed, tattoo-sportin', muscled staff member standing by Roddy. I jokingly said to my friend D, "Screw Piper! I want my picture with *that* guy!" So while K and I were still waiting in line, D snuck over and asked the guy if he could get his pic with me when we got thru the line. The guy was confused as hell, but apparently agreed because after we met Piper, he posed with me. It was pretty funny. But meeting Piper was even cooler than I thought it was going to be. I kept teasing K, because every time the line moved, he'd say, "Oh my god. There he is...I can't believe it! We're getting closer! Oh my god!" It was so cute. Piper has always been K's IDOL, so he was super-excited. When we finally got to him, Rowdy puts his hand out to shake K's hand, and K just kind of lost it for a second. He shook his hand, but all he could say was "Oh, man. Oh, man. This is so fucking cool." Then Rowdy looks and me, takes my hand and kisses it and says, "How you doin', darlin'? Good to see you..." and I thank him (and meanwhile I'm swooning - I'll admit it...heh!), and he turns back to K. He says, "So, how you doin', man? How do you want me to sign this?" and K's all, "However you want...I don't care! This is so great..." and Rowdy laughs and says, "Why don't we try your first name..." and we laughed our asses off. So K gets his autograph and picture, then I get mine. (He's a lefty, too! Lefties unite!!) And next week, when we get our pics from D, I'll show you guys the dorkiest picture ever. Honestly, it turned out so hilariously cheesy. I love it. I was a little nervous when we posed for our pic, and so we're side-by-side with our arms around each other's backs, then he put his other hand out to me, so I reached over, and he just grabbed my hand and we stood like that for the picture. It looks like we're about to go to prom together or something. It's awesomely bad. And Piper got a huge kick out of me getting my pic with the staff guy. Heh. Rowdy seriously couldn't have been a nicer guy. It made driving to Chicago and back in two days totally worth it.

Then after the autograph signing, K and I headed out for a smoke while our friend, D, went to watch a special screening of some short film that K and I didn't care to see. We were walking towards this bench outside that was at the far end of the walkway, when some guy (who is now in his mid-fifties) sitting on the bench calls out to K, "Hey, man. You better take good care of her!", meaning me. And K just played along (since we're not dating) and said, "Oh, sure. I will." And we went and sat down. K whispers to me, "Holy shit...that's the guy from 'Maniac Cop'!" I had no idea what he was talking about, so I just shrugged and lit my smoke. Then the guy turns and starts talking to us again, talking about how his manager was screwing him out of all this money, taking his web site down, etc., and how he spent his last $110 to get a Greyhound ticket from Louisville, KY to the convention. We're trying to sympathize with the guy, but he's not even listening to us, really. He takes a plastic Aquafina bottle full of bourbon out of his pocket and takes a big swig and tells us, "I guess you can't really hide bourbon in a clear plastic bottle can ya?" and we agree that you most certainly cannot do that. Then he stands up and walks over to us, talking about how he's got two metal hips and a metal foot, but he feels better than he ever has in his whole life, etc., etc. Yay for him. At this point, he is standing *reallyclose* to us, and I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, but K and I are laughing too hard to control ourselves. I mean, the guy was a mess. (DISCLAIMER: This next bit is kinda gross, so I'm warning you now that you have my full permission to skip to the next paragraph. I'm not kidding when I say that this guy has scarred me for life.) Then the guy KEEPS TALKING about how the real reason he's in Chicago is because he has to go to the doctor on Monday. He looks right at me and says, "Honey, you have NO IDEA what I got goin' on..." K is dying laughing, and I'm totally freaked out at this point, but it was still so bizarre that I was still laughing. Then he says, "Yeah, I've got blood coming from places it ain't supposed to, if you know what I mean. And I'm fuckin' HORNY...the lil Bobber [grabs his crotch] is all backed up, man! The last time I masturbated, there was blood ALL OVER that paper towel! Shit! I mean, if I bleed inside some chick, it ain't *my* fault!" So now I officially know WAYYY too much about this man's penis. Good GOD. I'm telling you guys, it was the most surreal conversation I've ever had the displeasure of participating in, and it was DEFINITELY put the "horror" in "horror convention". And yet, we couldn't stop laughing. He mumbled something about "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", then threatened to kill us if we told anyone. He's all, "I've killed over 780 people! (In his movies, of course.) I'm a nice guy, but if you cross me, I'll stab you in the neck!" The only reason I decided to blog this bit is because I have to put that down for posterity. It was THAT. FUCKING. WEIRD. *shudders*

Anyway, after that we had dinner and hung around the bar waiting for the drive-in to start. I was so anxious for it to start. (We also saw the "Maniac Cop" at the bar, and as hard as we tried not to make eye-contact he still managed to say to D's wife and I, "I'm comin' back here later for the two of ya. I got...two six-shooters, no pants, white boxers...sherriff's in town!" We managed to make it until he stumbled out of the bar before we burst out laughing.) The first movie was "They Live", and I had actually never seen it, so I was really looking forward to it. I was not disappointed. Rowdy came back to introduce the flick, and it was totally brilliant. I loved it. The scene where he does construction work shirtless was just a bonus. '80s jeans, awful mullet and all, I think he's hot in that movie. Sue me. :) If I don't buy it soon, that'll definitely be what I want for my birthday. (Got that, Larry??? Heh...) If you all have never seen it, I highly recommend it. It has one of the best and most hilarious fight scenes ever filmed. If you don't like it, uh, then I don't know what to tell you. We can't be friends. Kidding, kidding. After the movie, we got to see him again and get another autograph. (I got a pair of "They Live" sunglasses signed...awesome.) K and I stood in line separately, but both got big hugs from Piper. It took us forever to get to sleep that night because we kept talking about it, like a couple of junior high girls at a fucking sleepover (sorry, K, but it's true!). Heh. No one else really gives a shit about Rowdy, really, but to us, it was one of the coolest things we've ever gotten to do.

So, all in all, the weekend was a rousing success.

Now I'm off to bed, because it's past my bedtime. I just knew that if I didn't finish this post tonight, I'd never finish it, and I wanted to get it done before I started to forget. If our friend D ever gets back from his vacation, we'll get pictures, and I'll try to post them.

I love Captain Mrogan...

2006-06-11T00:55:00.001-05:00

...but this win'st fair. My rommate atha a friend ove thand they anwated to frink and I saiw di Iwould gubt bthen they gotmey burnk and went to sleptoo. Noiwi"m gdurnk and bored and it's altae and I have to awit til til I"m tied and anca slep. Crap.

I think there's a scewre conir my tie deor ofmy car, and I have to fgeto it fix tgomrow. ANd it's rtanignt and i can't smoke aube cause I don'at have ana umlbrela. @#(*@#(*!!!!!!!!!!!

I guesw aim goint tgo fine domesing slse to do now. bhye!!12

Brain Salad

2006-05-19T23:12:00.001-05:00

So I don't even know how to really explain this stuff except for the fact that it just happens. I'm sure my lovely brother would give you another explanation, but no one listens to him anyway.

I was outside smoking the other night right before going to bed, and I remembered that my roommate had bought some toilet paper that needed to be taken upstairs to the bathroom. I thought, "Oh man, I'm sure I'll forget this in about 2 minutes...I should come up with some way to remem--" and then all of a sudden, I was singing: (to the tune of that lovely Bill Cosby show "Picture Pages")

Toilet paper, toilet paper

Don't forget the toilet paper

Take it up and put in in the bath-room!

Toilet paper, toilet paper

Roomie bought the toilet paper

Put in the bathroom in case you have to poop!

Yes, I'm single. It's a wonder, ain't it?? However just tonight it occured to me that if I ever *do* get married, I want to write my own vows. I was driving home from work tonight thinking about how I need new tires on the front of my car, and immediately switched tracks to, "Oh, man. I have the BEST idea for wedding vows!" Mind you, I'm sure this isn't all that original, but the idea of doing this is giving me the absolute giggles, so I'm posting it here for posterity if I ever need it. Heh.

Priest/pastor/Hindu tribesman: Will you take this woman to be your wife?

My future husband*: I do. I promise to love, honor and cherish her. And also to change the oil in her car every 3,000 miles, til death do us part.

Priest/pastor/Hindu tribesman: Will you take this man to be your husband?

Me: I do. I promise to love, honor and cherish him. And also to do that *thing* we discussed every Thursday, til death do us part.

Maybe it's one of those things where it's only funny to me?? :)

*God help the poor bastard!

Nighty-night, sleep tight...

2006-04-21T08:22:00.001-05:00

Find your own pose!

So apparently, this is my sleeping pose. Heh. I have NO comment. :) I'm really just posting to wish Mossy a very, very, very, very, very, very Happy 38th Birthday.

I'm sure that this pose is merely a tiny hint at the birthday present he might be receiving. *AHEM*

*RIMSHOT*

Yeah...I'm goin' to bed now...

Cat Burglar

2006-04-20T17:19:00.001-05:00

My roommate and I have a long-standing tradition with our neighbors, B & T. We regularly steal things from each other's apartments, and see how long it takes until someone notices. The boys started this when they routinely stole my chair off of our patio, so we've been returning the favor ever since then. Roomie generally does most of the stealing, though, bless her. My favorite was when we stole this Halloween costume off of their porch. Roomie put it on, then we went and knocked on their door. B hollered for us to come on in, so I opened the door and said, "Hey, B, do you guys have any bread? I was going to make myself a sandwich, but we're out..." and Roomie walked in. I started laughing my ass off when B said, "Hey! Oh my god - we've got that same costume out on the porch!!" "Uh, no ya don't..." Heh. Good times.

So the other night, B and his buddy, R, were over having a few beers. To make a long story short, B stole a ton of our refrigerator magnets. (Roomie has a few sets of alphabet letters. It has made for quite a few interesting messages left on the fridge. Most notable: "DAMM KIDS STAY OFF MY LAWN" "GIVE ME ANAL PFFFT SEXX" and "DON'T ANGER THE MONKEY") We tried to get them back, but he ran to his house and locked us out.

I came home yesterday to find an oddly-lumped envelope in our mailbox that is addressed to "Stef & [Roomie]". Inside were all of the stolen magnets, with the following note:

Dear Stef & [Roomie],

I found Splinter (Note: Splinter is B's cat) playing w/these (he was trying to bury one of the S's in his litter box), I'm not quite sure how he got them; anyhow...he said they were yours. I believe that when you put them all together, it says "Stef and [Roomie] suck". It was no problem returning them to you, just being a good neighbor. I do, however, suggest that you look into a lock and/or alarm system that is not so vunerable to ninja cats such as Splinter.

Sincerely,
B

P.S. You haven't by chance seen an apple w/headphones running around here, have you?

I know that Roomie stole that magnet, so I'm assuming he grabbed it with the rest of the loot and is now just taunting us. But I laughed my ass off at the letter. We'll have to step-up our retaliation a few notches!

Larry-oke

2006-04-12T22:41:00.001-05:00

So Larry recapped a bit of Monday nights' festivities for you guys, but here's what happened after the game:

He sang karaoke. Yep. And not just one song. A who-ole bunch of songs. Here's what I remember of his "set list":

"You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling", The Righteous Brothers. This was a duet with a girl that he didn't know whose partner abandoned her at the last minute.

"I Touch Myself (Explicit Version)", The Divinyls. This is when he *thought* they were going to play "I Like Beer", and we turned in this song for him instead. He prefaced this song by saying something to the effect of "This is a song about something that I do well...", and then the music kicked in and he saw the song title and said, "Aw, shit! I hate my friends!" Heh.

"Take This Job And Shove It", Johnny Paycheck. This one was supposed to be him filling in for another person that ditched their singing group, but then the one girl that was left ran off too, and Larry sang this solo. And did an awesome job.

"I Like Beer", Tom T. Hall. Finally, the song he wanted to sing all along.

"The Bad Touch (Discovery Channel Song)", The Bloodhound Gang. This was a duet with his buddy's girlfriend. It was hilarious.

"Rico Suave", Gerardo. Even more hilarious is Larry's interpretation of the Spanish language bits in this song. I don't know what "blah, blah, blah" is Spanish for, but apparently Gerardo says that a lot.

"Sweet Caroline", Neil Diamond. This was a drunken trio of singers, one of whom was Larry's 'special friend' for the evening, BJ. I seriously thought these two might wind up accidentally going home with each other they were so toasted. And declaring their love for one another for everyone in the bar to hear. I love when straight guys get drunk.

"Sexual Healing", Marvin Gaye. This was actually a duet with his buddy's girlfriend again, and the last song I heard him sing before I had to leave.

I really think that there were even more songs, and I KNOW that he sang his little heart out from his seat at our table, even when it wasn't his turn. Also, I *did* take video of Larry singing a tiny bit of "I Touch Myself", but you'll have to beg him for a glimpse of that. (Good luck, by the way.) Just take my word for it -- Larry's singing voice is a little, uh, gravelly. Not that I'm knockin' it -- I didn't sing at all. (And I actually told the lady that ran the karaoke that I had laryngitis, and that's why I couldn't sing. She totally busted me on my way out the door. I laughed my ass off. Didn't have to sing, though.) He definitely provided the entertainment on Monday night, and I thought my head was going to explode, I was laughing so hard. I wish I could convey to you all the funniest part of when he sang the Divinyls song, but it was freakin' priceless.

Kudos to you, bro, for being drunk enough to not give a shit. It was a blast watching ya. :)

Another Stolen Meme...

2006-03-27T22:54:00.001-06:00

...this time from my friend, Kristi. Here's how it works:

Put your iPod/Winamp/MP3 on shuffle.
Reading one question at a time, press play.
Use that song title as the answer.

[Now, I don't own an iPod, nor do I have any music on a computer that I can shuffle thru, nor do I have a multiple-disc CD changer to use for this either. The best I could do was start up my Yahoo!Music video launcher and see what plays. The thing that sucks is that these are all going to be in the same genre, for the most part, because it plays them depending on the first song I click on. (I chose Tomahawk's "Rape This Day" because it was the first track on my list...I don't count that one b/c it wasn't random, but this list is definitely going to skew a little more "death-metal-y" than my actual taste. I actually listen to all kinds of stuff, but I do like loud & fast...) Anywho, here we go!]

1. How does the world see you? "Foxy, Foxy", Rob Zombie. Hardly! That is so funny, I don't even know where to start...

2. Will I have a happy life? "Kill to Believe", Bleeding Through. That's kind of eerie. It makes me seem like I'm delusional. Hell, maybe I am...

3. What do my friends think of me? "The Grand Conjuration", Opeth. Um, okay. Does that mean they think I'm magical?? Sweeeeet.

4. Do people secretly lust after me? "Prison Sex", Tool. I swear, I am not making this up. I can't stop laughing. Holy shit. I need some sort of therapy.

5. How can I make myself happy? "No One Knows", Queens of the Stone Age. No fair! If this lame song meme can't tell me which path to choose in life, then WHAT CAN?!?? Augh! Heh...

6. What should I do with my life? "Hurt", Johnny Cash. Sweet! Confirmation that I can start my life as an Ultimate Fighting Champion...or a dominatrix. I could go either way.

7. Will I ever have children? "A Glimpse of Hell", Jacknife. Heheheheheheheheheee.....I guess that's a "Please, for the love of God, DON'T" sign-from-above, huh?

8. What is some good advice for me? "Fire It Up", Black Label Society. Well, alrighty then!

9. How will I be remembered? "Right Now (3D Version)", Korn. My life story in 3-D? Fantastic!! Um, also, does that mean that I will be referred to in the past-tense from now on? I feel like the old man in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "I'm not dead yet!! I'm feeling much better! Think I'll go for a walk now!"

10. What's my signature dancing song? "Yeah", Usher. Perfect. Heh. Apparently, Yahoo decided to switch genres in the middle of my playlist. I *do* like that song, though. Strangely addictive for me. Stupid Usher.

11. What's my current theme song? "Change (In The House Of Flies)", Deftones. Okay, so the Usher was *completely* random, I guess.

12. What do others think is my current theme song? "It's My Life", No Doubt. Now Yahoo is just messing with me.

13. What shall they play at my funeral? "You Know You're Right", Nirvana. Ha ha ha! See?? I'm ALWAYS right!!

14. What type of men do I like? "Totally Stupid (Live)", Andrew W.K. HA!!! That is freakin' hilarious. And, sadly, totally true.

15. How's my love life? "Stiff Upper Lip", AC/DC. No comment.

That turned out way funnier than I could have hoped for. I wonder what some of you would get if you chose to do this...

I Am Not Sober...

2006-03-21T00:07:00.001-06:00

...right now. I am not going to fix my smisteakes, so y'all can forgive me. I'm trying not to hit the backapsace key at all. WOw., this is bad. Really bad. Holy crap. I'll probably reguret tilylpling this in the morhning. I hate bad spellerts. ha ha ha. THis piost is making me laugh. I don't know how many rum & cokes I had, but it was more than 6, I'm prety sure. An dI have to work tomrowr.

i will probably tdtlete this post tomorwo because all the mispalellings will make me sick. But I'm too lazy to do that,k iso it will probaly stay.

Tonight wa sfun. I suck at darts. And larry didn't karaoke like the said he would. Pussy. I wanted him to sing either R. Leellys' "Fieeling on yo' booty", or The Oka ridge Boys "elivara". It would have geen hilarious. But I wouldn't karoaoke either, so I guess that make sme a ckhikecn too.

I didn't arealize hwo ad of a typsit aI am until I wrote this. opst. Yes, I 'am a little inieberiated, but so awhat. Tha is awful. I hope you all get a lukgh, bcauwse this is a lame post. I justo tought I would post so that MOssy wouldn't Phtoshop me in a comprosmigni positng with a turuck driver or somerthign. Heh.

I neee to crawl into bed, now, so I'm gonan go. Y'all have a lovely evning.

PEASEC!!!

Cheese, Anyone?

2006-02-21T23:41:00.001-06:00

I am a happy girl. I was watching TV, waiting for my laundry to finish, and I flipped the channel to "Footloose" just in time to see ANGRY WAREHOUSE DANCING. And any day I see that? Is a good day. :)

Now I can go to bed.

Also, this had me laughing like crazy. (WARNING: Possible cuteness overload watching this video. I couldn't resist it, though.)

Good Lord, man!

2006-02-14T10:24:00.001-06:00

I haven't been able to read everyone's posts in a while, but I had a minute and was going to try to catch up on folks' blogs. But then I saw this post from Larry. What a thing to watch on Valentine's Day. Now, in addition to feeling a bit lonely and depressed, I'm also BORED OUT OF MY FUCKING SKULL. Geez. Ha ha ha...

You know I tease because I love ya, bro... :)

I hope everyone has a nice night, whether you celebrate this silly holiday or not.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!

I Have No Idea What I'm Saying...

2006-01-19T18:56:00.000-06:00

I've watched National Treasure twice now because even though I HATE Nicolas Cage, I LOVE Sean Bean. The other day, I couldn't stop thinking about how Penn Jillette named his daughter Moxie Crimefighter. I don't have an artistic bone in my body. I think I'm going to be going back to college in the summer semester. I can't wait. I've been working two jobs for the last month and a half, and the extra money has been fantastic. I just don't remember what my friends look like. I finally put my Christmas decorations away. My lips are chapped, and I can't find my damn Chapstick. Maybe it's in my car. I wish I had enough money to buy some cool artwork. I'm sick of looking at beige in every room in my apartment. I think I need therapy. I saw part of The Big Lebowski the other night, and I actually thought Jeff Bridges looked kinda hot. Yikes. I think I freaked out one of my co-workers at my second job when I cursed in front of her. It was awesome. My cousin/roommate has this little magnetic dude that is sitting on the computer desk, and I think he's mocking me. Little bastard. I suck at this whole blogging thing, just like I've always sucked at keeping a journal. I keep thinking that I need to get my eyes checked, but I think it's just because I've always wanted to wear glasses. I don't know why. The more I watch Miami Ink, the more I want another tattoo. I've GOT to stop watching it. I bought AC/DC Live the other day, and it's hilarious. Brian Johnson shrieks like a woman, and I think half the time he's forgotten the words. I can't understand him most of the time anyway, but I can't stop laughing when I listen to it. I've been looking for a new comforter for my bed, and can't commit to a color. I'm not a decisive person. I realize that this is a bigger problem for me than I originally thought. I want to live in Spain someday. Maybe not permanently, but at least for a while. Hopefully, I will be able to do this through school. I really, really need to balance my checkbook. I forget to write things down. I've decided to literally throw my covers off tomorrow morning in an effort to get out of bed on time. I hit snooze, like, six times every morning. I shredded a bunch of papers today, and it was kinda fun. Too bad I don't own a hamster. I wear two bracelets every day, no matter what I'm wearing. One is purple, red, and blue and reminds me of my grandma. One is green and clear, and was given to me by a kid that thinks I'm her guardian angel. I don't care that they clash. I just re-read the bit about the shredder and the hamster, and I realize that that came out completely wrong. I meant that a hamster would love to run around all the shredded paper, but now I can't stop giggling. I sometimes snort when I laugh. Somehow, my stepmother passed that on to me, I swear. Ask Larry. I might go see Hostel this weekend, and it'll probably scare the living daylights out of me, but Jay Hernandez is gorgeous. I am actually sitting here still typing just to avoid going to bed. I don't know why I do this. I am one of only three people that I know that actually loves watching A Night At The Roxbury. This post is wayyy too long, and I don't care. I can't stand Celebrity Poker Showdown, yet it's on the TV behind me, and I haven't changed it. I once went fishing with my uncle and caught an 8-pound bass. I haven't gone fishing since then. I realized the other day that I only have three hairstyles. I call them: down, halfback, fullback. I am a huge dork. I once wanted to start the catch phrase "like baby bear's porridge", but it never caught on. I silently curse my dad whenever I go shoe shopping. It's his fault I have size-11 feet. If you're still reading at this point, I admire your fortitude. I want to own a TempurPedic mattress, but I think they smell funny. And they're expensive as hell. I'm actually really curious to know what it feels like to be in love, but not-so-curious about the heartbreak that comes afterwards. I rarely wear makeup, but even when I do, I can't wear mascara. It just feels like some alien presence around my eyes, and it freaks me out. I can't roll my R's. I've tried and tried. It just doesn't work. I just don't understand all the fuss about Harry Potter. I read the first three books, but I just thought they were alright. I only read 'em because my friend insisted. I just picked up a murder-mystery book called The Dante Club, and the first chapter totally grossed me out. I can't wait until I have more time to read it. I am a horrible prankster. I always laugh and give myself away. I've always wanted to play the drums, but have no coordination. My friend's husband can play with his eyes closed, and it's one of the coolest things I've ever seen. There is a Monte Carlo that runs like shit in my apartment complex, and the owner revs the engine every morning so that it can warm up before he goes to work. I'm really starting to hate him. Kevin Bacon is so scary-looking now. He looks like a damn piece of beef jerky. Gross. I wonder if I should try to learn to crochet again. Maybe I've gained a bit of patience since the first time I tried. Maybe not. I got a Johnny Depp poster for Christmas from a friend, and I'm totally going to hang it in my room. I really, really need to go to bed. I need to at least get a nap in before going to work this morning. I'll put you all out of your misery now and end this post.

G'nite!!!

Happy Holidays!

2005-12-19T22:52:00.001-06:00

Okay, y'all. I just wanted to post and share something that might make everyone's holiday a little happier. This little gem has been passed around my friends, and made me laugh so hard I cried. I can't give credit, because I have no idea who originally wrote this, but I'm still going to post it here for you all to enjoy:

CHUCK NORRIS RULES

1. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
4. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
5. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick-related deaths.
6. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an entire Indian.
7. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
9. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
10. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a "Get out of Jail Free" Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
11. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
12. Chuck Norris once fell off of Mount Rushmore, invented the airplane in mid-air and flew to saftey. Soon after, the Wright brothers stole his idea and they were found dead. Cause of Death: Roundhouse kick to the face.
13. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
14. Chuck Norris eats babies and poops Delta Force team members.
15. Jesus' birthday is actually not the 25th. Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card on that day, and Jesus was too scared to correct him. This is why we celebrate Christmas.
16. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
17. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
18. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
19. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
20. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
21. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
22. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
23. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
24. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
25. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
26. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F'ing."
27. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
28. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
29. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
30. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
31. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
32. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
33. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
34. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the "f" down.
35. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
36. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
37. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
39. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
40. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
41. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
42. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
43. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
44. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
45. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
46. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

I hope everyone has a great holiday, and I'll try to post again before New Year's. Everybody be safe!! *sniff* I love you guys! *sniff* :) Heh.

Rule of Three

2005-12-07T22:09:00.001-06:00

Stolen from the lovely Ms. Penny:

Three names I go by:
1. Stephanie.
2. Steph.
3. I don't really go by anything else, unless you count that one guy at work calls me "Trouble", and another calls me "Weasel".

Three screen names I have had:
1. Dirty Gypsy.
2. slf1995.
3. I don't have a third screen name, either.

Three physical things I like about myself:
1. My hair.
2. My tattoo (That counts, right?).
3. My eyes. They're the only thing about me that makes me think that I sort of look like my mother.

Three physical things I don’t like about myself:
1. Everything.
2. Else.
3. Really.

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Cherokee Indian.
2. Scottish/Irish.
3. Redneck (Heh).

Three things that scare me:
1. Clowns.
2. Fireworks.
3. That I won't be able to handle it if I end up alone for the rest of my life.

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Diet Coke.
2. Smokes (I know, I know...).
3. Music at work.

Three of my favorite musical artists:
1. Mike Patton (Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Tomahawk).
2. Queens of the Stone Age.
3. Guns N' Roses.

Three of my favorite songs:
1. "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)", Dead or Alive.
2. "Land of 1,000 Dances", Wilson Pickett.
3. "Surprise, You're Dead!", Faith No More.

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. For one to exist in the first place! :)
2. Good humor.
3. Understanding.

Three lies and truths in no particular order: (You figure out which is which.)
1. I am a procrastinator/I am always on time.
2. I hate not being in control/I have never been in a fight.
3. I have only held two jobs my entire life/Broccoli is my favorite vegetable.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to me:
1. Strong hands.
2. Sexy voice.
3. Dark eyes.

Three of my favorite hobbies:
1. Reading.
2. Watching baseball.
3. Studying Spanish. (Although I'll admit that I've slacked off on this for the last few months.)

Three things I want to do really badly now:
1. Smoke.
2. Get a drink of water.
3. Go to bed and instantly fall asleep. (Riiight...)

Three careers I’ve considered:
1. Teacher.
2. Massage Therapist.
3. Spanish-language translator.

Three places I want to go on vacation:
1. Spain.
2. Germany (I'd go with my dad).
3. Italy.

Three kid’s names I like:
1. Alice Joy.
2. Oscar Thomas.
3. Charles Douglas.

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Skydive.
2. Live in another country for a while.
3. Get married and start a family.

Three ways that I am stereotypically like a boy:
1. I hate most chick flicks.
2. I love juvenile humor.
3. I don't listen.

Three ways that I am stereotypically a girl:
1. I can't help cooing over little babies.
2. I'm moody.
3. I'm sensitive.

Three celeb crushes:
1. Mike Patton.
2. Zach Galifianakis.
3. Keanu Reeves.

Sheer Exhaustion

2005-12-05T22:37:00.001-06:00

I couldn't sleep last night. I got a second job that was starting this afternoon, and I must have been anxious or something. Therefore, I stayed up until about 2:30 this morning putting up Christmas decorations. (If I can get Larry over here with his camera, I might be able to post a pic of my tiny little 4' tree.) But anyway. I'm actually happy to have that done, because I didn't decorate my apartment last year for the holidays, and it was kinda sad. Anyway, moving on.

My schedule for my day job is from 7:30am-3:30pm, and my second job runs from 4:00pm-8:00pm, so I'm worn out and ready for bed. At least I know tomorrow will be much better -- I'll get some sleep tonight fo' SHO'. I ain't playin' around, either. If I don't fall asleep by 11:30, I'm going to have my roommate punch me in the face and knock my ass out. Heh. Kidding. She could never knock me out...

Anyway. Obviously, I'm rambling. But in honor of my state of mind, I thought I'd let you all in on a little secret. (Okay, it's no secret to anyone who's known me for any length of time, but it is to YOU all...) I have a knack for falling asleep when I'm not supposed to. I've always done it. I always joke that it's just because my body hates me, but I know better. It's because I don't go to bed when I should. Duh. Here's a list of the places I've fallen asleep (in recent memory):

*On the phone at work. That was bad. Funny, but bad. I was actually on the phone with Larry at the time, so I blame him. That boy can talk. I'm just sayin'...

*While in the middle of conversation with a coworker. Okay. This one I feel *really* bad about. It was right at the beginning of our shift, and he started telling me about how he and his dad installed a brand-new car stereo in his car over the weekend, and I completely zoned out, then dozed off. My coworker (bless his heart!) took it in stride, but I think I hurt his feelings a tiny bit.

*At a roulette wheel at a casino. It was my friend's 21st birthday, and we all went out to the casino to celebrate. The only problem was that I had spent the entire day up to that point helping my cousin hang drywall in our basement and put in a new shower, etc. I was tired, but I honestly didn't think that I would end up sitting at a roulette wheel watching a friend play, and then having him wake me up because he was finished. I don't think I was asleep for very long, but I don't think that matters. Shame on me. I owed my friend a much better companion for her friggin' birthday. I still owe her a night out.

*At the St. Louis Cardinals' home opener last year. I stayed awake just long enough to watch Pres. Bush throw out the first pitch, then passed out until about the 4th inning or so. In my defense, jello shots were involved. So maybe this one doesn't count.

*At the Blues home opener this year. I had a long day at work that day, and I think I dozed between the second and third periods, but I honestly don't remember. Oops. And really, as much as the Blues suck this year, can ya blame me?

*At the NIN concert. I have no excuse for this, except I will freely admit that I was bored at this one point in the show. The music slowed way down, they lowered this netting, and showed a flipping movie. For, like, ten minutes or something. And I fell asleep. The rest of the show kicked ass, though. Really.

Well, there you have it. I gotta go. My bed's calling my name. (And if I don't go RIGHT NOW, I know I'll be up for at least another hour or so...bad habits die hard, y'all. I already stayed up later than I had intended to post this. I don't want Mossy to get an itchy Photoshop-finger again. Heh.)

G'nite. :)

"I ran out of gas...

2005-11-29T18:37:00.001-06:00

...I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!"

I promise you that it was NOT my intention to disappear again. I decided a while back to stop blogging at work, and all was well. Then my roommate's computer hit the skids. It's been three fucking weeks, but it's back now. Still not 100%, but it's enough for me to get online, so I'm not complaining.

Anywho, I'm back. I've probably lost all of my lovely readers, and understandably so. I suck. And I haven't been able to read anyone's blogs for the past three weeks either, so who knows if I'll ever catch up. But for what it's worth, I am posting again...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LARRY!

2005-11-01T07:42:00.001-06:00

I know that I owe you guys another riveting post (heh), but for now, I don't have enough time.
(I'm really going to try to post tonight....I swear!)

I just wanted to wish Larry a HAPPY 28TH BIRTHDAY!!! I promise I won't wrap your gift in ladybug paper or use pink candles on your cake like Mom did on Sunday. :) And I'll try like hell to be *COUGH* nice *COUGH* to you today.

I'll be your designated driver if you want to go out and get fubar'd tonight, bro. Thank goodness you're off of work tomorrow!!

Shindig Switch

2005-10-23T21:31:00.001-05:00

Whoo! I've had a pretty busy week. Watching baseball games on Monday and Wednesday, dinner with a friend on Thursday, another friend's birthday on Friday, and a wedding AND early Halloween party on Saturday night.

A little background: My cousin and I became roommates about two months ago, and we've gotten to know the guys that live next door. They're a lot of fun, and absolutely crazy. So they warned us about a month ago that they'd be having a Halloween party on the 22nd. (I know it's early, but I guess that keeps their party from conflicting with every other one next week. I don't know. Like I said, they're crazy.) So I had a wedding reception Saturday night, but was going to probably head next door afterwards.

Saturday night arrives, and I am exhausted. It was a long week, and I didn't really feel like doing much after the reception. But I couldn't exactly fall asleep with all the noise next door, so I was kind of stuck. I wasted a little time playing Nintendo (Super Mario Bros. 3, baby!) but I still wasn't tired enough to try to actually go to bed. I finally decided to at least check out the costumes next door, so I headed over. I felt a little weird just walking in, because it became apparent very quickly that my neighbors, we'll call them "Bjorn" and "Red", were all the way back in the kitchen and therefore I knew NONE of the kids in the living room. I am 28, and Bjorn and Red are around 24, so some of their friends were younger than that. I felt horribly out of place with all the little thugs chillin' in the living room. So I make my way through "Thugland", past a man dressed as a kangaroo, a cowboy named Sue, and Strawberry Shortcake and finally get a chance to say "Hi" to Red. (He was dressed as a cigarette, and had red makeup all over his neck and face, and had dyed his hair red also. Such dedication.) He introduces me to about three people before he's summoned away for something, so I couldn't even use him to break the ice with these new folks. Awkward. I'm standing near the bathroom, and this girl (we'll call her "Witch", since that was her costume) asks me, "Are you in line?" "No, but I think someone just went in there, so you'll have to wait anyway." "Are you SERIOUS? Oh, shit...I really have to pee!!" I can see by the look on her face that she's obviously in some discomfort, so I offered to let her use my bathroom next door. After that, we ended up outside chatting. (Since she was new to town, she didn't know anyone inside either, except for Red, Nurse and Mr. Wizard - her cousin.)

While we're outside, this group of kids comes up to go inside, and the next thing we knew, Bjorn (he was dressed as an old-school tennis player) is at the door telling these kids, 'Get the fuck out, party's over!!! Y'all ain't comin' in!" We have no idea what's going on at this point, but Bjorn had apparently drunk himself straight into "asshole" mode. So Witch and I are kind of laughing about it, but then almost everyone that was left at the party starts streaming out the door. Party OVER. I go in B & R's place to see what the hell happened, and Red stops me and says, "Hey, do you think a couple of my friends and I can come next door and hang out for a bit? Bjorn's being a dick..." "Sure, no problem. As long as nothing gets broken, I'm cool with it." So after sufficiently threatening the remaining guests (I think it was only about 7 or 8 people by then) with bodily harm if they fuck up my apartment, we head next door. I thought for a second about saying "No", I mean, I have a roommate, but I thought she had told me that she was going to spend the night somewhere, so it would be fine.

We had an absolute blast. The people were cool as fuck, and I really enjoyed myself. We fired up the Nintendo for a bit until Mr. Wizard's wife accidentally kicked it and knocked our game out. D'oh. (For the record, his wife was already extremely drunk when she got over here, and just got funnier. Although she did make me waste a perfectly good rum & Diet Coke when she knocked it out of my hand...) So Rapper, Mr. Wizard, his wife Nurse, Zorro, Red, Pantera, Witch, AC/DC and I were all just hanging out and having a good time. I think Rapper found some "porn" on Skin-emax while we weren't paying attention, so I KNOW he was. *Ahem*

The best part of all is that THAT is exactly when my cousin/roommate came home. The look on her face when she walked in was absolutely priceless. She was expecting the party to be in full-force next door, yet the lights were off. She was expecting me to be either in bed or next door, and there were a bunch of folks in our house. And then the porn on the TV. I was cracking the fuck up. She says, "Oh my God! There are boobs on my TV! What are you guys watching??" It was hilarious. I think she was worried that I actually ORDERED porn, so I assured her that was NOT the case. Heh.

I believe that Witch ending up making out with Pantera on my porch, and I have no idea what happened to Rapper. But I had a great time hanging out with AC/DC and Zorro after everyone else left and roomie passed out on the couch. I think AC/DC was the last to leave at 5:00am or so. It was nuts.

I guess my whole point is that it was great that the party didn't ACTUALLY end, it just relocated. I met some kick-ass people, and we're actually all supposed to go to a Haunted Hotel on Friday night. (We'll see, though -- Nurse must have asked for my number about 11 times, even after she watched her husband program in into his phone. Heh. He even said, "The best thing about this is the "Who the fuck is 'Stephanie'?" conversation we'll have tomorrow, followed by me calling you later in the week and having you say, "Mr. Wizard WHO??") Nurse was actually so drunk that it took Mr. Wizard about an hour and a half to convince her it was finally time to go. Anyway. And AC/DC invited me to another Halloween party at his place next week, so I might attend. It depends on how things go at the first one I have to go to. (Which I still have no costume for -- dammit!)

Needless to say, I didn't get much done around the house today. Luckily I had straightened up before I went to bed, so the only pressing issue when I got up (around noon, which is really good for me after being up til 5:00am) was getting all the trash out of the house. And the place didn't look that bad. Aside from the kitchen floor needing a serious mopping tomorrow afternoon when I get home, everything's fine.

So our impromptu party was a success, and I honestly think I may have made a few new friends. At least, I hope so. I won't hold my breath on that, I guess. But for now, I'm still optimistic. :)

Concert Aftermath

2005-10-15T00:18:00.001-05:00

Man, that was fun. I was super-excited to see Queens of the Stone Age live. Our seats weren't the best, but who cares. The music was loud, and they kicked ass. And it doesn't hurt that I have a thing for this man:

Hot damn, he's sexy. Anywho. Moving on. Nine Inch Nails puts on a hell of a show. We didn't actually stay for the entire thing, but what we did see was stellar. They played a lot of their old stuff, which made me pretty happy. Their new stuff does nothing for me. However, I have to admit that during a certain part of the show, I *did* fall asleep. Oops. But I don't think I was out for that long. Larry would probably have a better idea.

So to sum up, Larry and I had a great time.

I think Larry must have been either tired or high on the way to the show, though, because we had the following exchange:

Me: What's that smell? Do you smell that?
Larry: What?
Me: That! Do you smell it? It's like a sweet kind of smell.
Larry: Sounds like burnt waffles to me...
Me: Did you just say "sounds"??

Both: [bust up laughing]

It was probably much funnier in the car. :)

Runnin' Down A Dream

2005-10-14T21:17:00.001-05:00

Before I head out to the Queens of the Stone Age/Nine Inch Nails concert (Whoo!! Rock!) with Larry, I just wanted to do a very quick post to wish LB luck in the Baltimore Marathon tomorrow. Uh, so:

GOOD LUCK!!!

I'm sure you'll kick ass. Just one foot in front of the other 'til ya cross that finish line, right?

Fun With Google Images

2005-10-14T17:00:00.001-05:00

Directions: Go to Google and click on the 'Images' link.Type in the following and post the first (or your favorite) picture the search engine finds. (FYI: I limited myself to the first page of results for each name/thing.)
----------
*The name of the town where you were born or grew up
*The name of the town where you live now
*Your name
*Your grandmother’s name (pick one)
*Your favorite food
*Your favorite drink
*Your favorite song
*Your favorite smell
----------

The name of the town where I was born? St. Louis

The name of the town where I live now? St. Louis

Ny name? Stephanie

My grandmother's name? Edith. (My other grandmothers, Faybelle and Russelyne, each had no results.)

My favorite food? Mexican

My favorite drink? Rum & Coke

My favorite song? "Laredo", Tomahawk

My favorite smell? Coffee

Dream Theater, Pt. 2

2005-10-12T01:48:00.001-05:00

This second dream is not nearly as good as the first one, but at least it's a much shorter story to tell.

**********
These two men are sitting at a table arguing. I can't quite make out what they are arguing about, but it's obvious the conversation is getting quite heated. This goes on for a few minutes, and then one man shouts at the other:

"POISON IS STILL A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH IN THE MIDWEST!!!!"
**********

And that's when I woke up. It wasn't until I was in the shower that I even realized just how stupid that dream really was. A "force to be reckoned with"??? Poison?? Please. I mean, I was a fan of theirs (and still enjoy a little "Talk Dirty To Me" now and again), but that's just crazy. And apparently they've lost popularity on both coasts, because I can only speak for America's Heartland.

So of course, I had to tell someone about this. (Stupid me. I should know better - heh.) I thought, "Oh, man. If anyone's going to enjoy this, it's gotta be Joe!" (Joe and I have the exact same sense of humor, and we think so much alike that it borders on scary. Just ask his wife.) So I give him a call and tell him the story. Of course, he starts laughing, but then our conversation moves on to other things, and I quickly forget about the whole thing.

The next night, a bunch of friends and I all had plans to play Demolition Ball (it's like a cross between basketball, lacrosse, and bumper cars). I'm running a little behind that night, so most of our group was there when I got there. Joe & his wife are sitting at a table with our friends "Chewbacca" and his wife, "Princess Leia". So I walk in and say "Hi" to all and we're all chatting. Then Chewbacca leans over to Joe and says, "Why don't you take your jacket off?" I think, "Wait, what? Since when does Chewbacca care that Joe keeps his jacket on. That's weird." Little did I know. Joe took his jacket off, and emblazoned on his t-shirt for all to see was "POISON: Still a force to be reckoned with in the Midwest." He even IRONED ON the Poison logo, for cryin' out loud!! I could not stop laughing. I was embarrassed and impressed all at the same time. I mean, he made a damn shirt, y'all. So kudos to you, Joe, for going that far for a joke. Lord knows you probably would go farther. Heh. Someday I'll get you back. Someday...

So now you all know why Larry laughs when he hears anything that mentions Poison. It's all my fault.

Dream Theater, Pt. 1

2005-10-05T01:50:00.001-05:00

I blame this post on you, Penny. :)

As I said on your blog, I rarely remember my dreams. This one, however, has stuck with me ever since I had it one day about a year and a half ago. I had come home from work early because I had an awful headache. This is the dream that I had:

**********
I'm standing in my parent's backyard. It's a breezy, lovely day -- sun's shining, all that good stuff. Standing with me are my dear brother, Larry, and Rod Stewart. Yes, Rod Stewart. The spiky-haired, cradle-robbing, soccer ball-kicking singer we all know and love. Well, at least, we know him. (For the record, I am a fan. Never thought I was a big enough fan that I'd ever dream about him, but nevertheless...) So Larry and Rod and I are all standing around chatting, and Larry just WILL NOT SHUT UP. He's blathering on and on about various crap, and neither Rod nor I could get a word in edgewise. Rod keeps giving me looks like, "Oh my GOD, this wanker won't stop talking!" and I'm just laughing to myself because I'm thinking, "Finally! At least Rod Stewart knows my pain..." because Larry does this to me all the time.

Finally, Rod just gets fed up with Larry and turns to him and interjects, "Listen, mate. I've got an idea. For every soccer ball you can kick over the house, you can talk to me for 1 more minute. How's that?" And Larry, being the agreeable sort of guy that he is, just says, "Okay!" and runs to the front of the house. Rod sighs, "I thought he'd *never* stop talking", and I laughingly reply, "You don't have to tell ME! He's always like that!" So just when Rod and I start chatting again, this soccer ball comes flying into the backyard. Rod shouts, "Aw, bloody hell! I didn't think he'd actually be able to do it!" (Also for the record? I realize this actually isn't a difficult thing to do, but it's a dream, so you'll just have to go with it.)

The next thing you know, a ton of soccer balls come flying over the house. Rod's frantically tallying up all the minutes, saying, "Fuck me! That's 15 minutes already!!" and then proceeds to throw this gigantic hissy fit in my parent's backyard, and meanwhile all these soccer balls never stop. Y'all really haven't lived til you've seen Rod Stewart in a red sportcoat kicking and cursing and flailing around like a little brat. It was quite the sight.
**********

I literally woke myself up laughing. I'd never, ever done that before. So what 's the first thing I do? I call Larry:

Larry: Hello?

Me: Dude...Rod Stewart HATES you!

Larry: [starts laughing hysterically] What? That's hilarious! What are you talking about? No, wait, it's funnier if you just don't tell me.

Me: No, trust me. You WANT to hear this.

Larry: No, no. That's fucking funny. It's just so random...

Me: No, TRUST me. Let me tell you why... [tells dream]

Larry: [gasping for breath, still laughing] (And let me tell you, when Larry *really* starts to laugh, he sounds like Muttley. It's awesome.)

Larry: You're right...that was WAY better.

So, there you go, Penny. I'm not the best storyteller, but hopefully it's a little amusing. :)

Larry, I'll let you post the follow-up to this on your blog, if you want. You'd tell that part better than me anyway.

Speaking of dreams, I'm off to bed. God, I hope rehashing this doesn't make me dream about him again. (Rod Stewart OR Larry. Heh.)

The Bitch Is Back

2005-10-03T22:33:00.001-05:00

I've been a naughty, naughty girl. The line for spankings forms to the right. I'll take 'em like a woman. I promise.

(More to come tomorrow, now that I've finally got the Internet at home.)

Don't Get Used To This...

2005-08-12T10:06:00.001-05:00

Okay, I changed my profile pic to a one that was taken of me at a party sometime last year. I don't know how long I'll leave it like that, though. It's not the best picture, obviously: I'm drinking a Miller Lite, which is NOT my beer of choice; I'm sticking my tongue out (classy, huh? Back off me -- I was drunk.); And there's no hiding how squinty my eyes are. I hate that. I figured I'd post the pic here so you all could see that my hair isn't actually gray on one side, like it seems to be in the smaller pic. The light is reflecting off my hair, I swear! (Even though I will admit at the age of - almost - 28, I already have some gray...)

Anyway, I guess after LB suggested I post a more current picture, I figured it wouldn't hurt for y'all to be able to put a face with the name. Not nearly as cute as I used to be, but not bad.

"Say Cheese!"

2005-08-11T21:11:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I didn't actually have any pictures of me when I was a baby that were scanned into the computer, so you'll just have to settle for these. Sorry! (And again, I'm the last to post with these because I don't have a PC at home, and it took me a day to find the damn CD these were saved on -- I'm in the middle of moving...)

Here's the first pic. This was when I still lived in my first house, and before my dad remarried. I wish I could tell you how old I was, but I honestly don't know. I'm kickin' it old-school, though. Check out my hat:

This picture was taken when I was 5 years old, and we were visiting relatives in San Diego, CA. I'm holding up one of my cousin Butch's surfboards, and standing on another:

And this picture was taken when I was a flower girl at my aunt's wedding. I'm holding hands with my friend Andy. We were born only 3 days apart, and he's still one of my dearest friends:

So that's it. Let the comments from the peanut gallery commence. (And for the record, I know I had a mushroom haircut - my aunt got frustrated one day because my hair was so thick and would get so tangled, I'd cry when anyone brushed my hair, so she had it cut off. *sigh*)

Tag! I'm It!

2005-08-10T13:20:00.001-05:00

From Motherdear:

List ten songs that you are currently digging. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

1. "Pure Morning", Placebo
2. "God Hates a Coward", Tomahawk
3. "E-Pro", Beck
4. "Tu Sonrisa", Elvis Crespo
5. "Goodbye Sober Day", Mr. Bungle
6. "Jungle Love" Morris Day & The Time
7. "Land of 1,000 Dances", Wilson Pickett
8. "Piece of Me (Riot)", Skid Row
9. "Folsom Prison Blues", Johnny Cash
10. "Alive and Kicking", Simple Minds

And an honorable mention to "You Still Got Your Voodoo", Stendek

I think everybody that I know that reads this blog has been tagged already! So if you're reading this and you'd like to post your own songs, consider yourself tagged. Go nuts.

Stolen Goods

2005-08-09T01:34:00.001-05:00

I stole this from Larry's blog, but I know everybody else has posted it as well:

1- Who are you?
2- How long have you known me?
3- Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
4- Describe me in one word.
5- What reminds you of me?
6- If you could give me anything what would it be?
7- Ever wanted to tell me something you couldn’t?
8- Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I can say about you?
9- What do you love like a kid loves cake?
10- What makes you come back here?

Sorry for the lack of posting -- I was out of town for a bit. I'll put up an actual post when I'm thinking more clearly and can actually come up with something interesting to say. :)

Nicotine Liberation Day

2005-07-29T16:13:00.001-05:00

I've been a smoker for almost 10 years. I first started smoking the fall after I graduated high school. I was away at Univ. of Arkansas at Fayetteville, and all the people I had met were smokers. One night at a party I was really drunk (that's how all my good stories start), and found out that smoking a cigarette gave me quite a buzz. It wasn't long before it took more and more cigarettes to get that same effect, and then I was hooked. It was one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life, to say the least, and I'm not proud. And for a long time, I didn't care about the damage that it was doing to me. I always thought, "I'm young, who cares?" Well, now I care. I can't stand the cough I sometimes have. I can't stand the sinus problems that are compounded by my smoking. I can't stand that it makes my clothes, my hair, my breath stink. I can't stand that I've let myself become so controlled by something so stupid. "You know what I'd LOVE to do 10-20 times a day?? I'd LOVE to light something on fire, and inhale the smoke INTO MY LUNGS....repeatedly." Great idea, Steph. Now I know that people smoke for different reasons, and some folks rather enjoy it. I'm not here to make judgements about anyone else. I'm just frustrated with myself.

I'm ready to quit smoking. I've tried 3 or 4 times before, and been unsucessful. (Duh.) But now it's time. So I've decided that by the time I turn 28 years old, I will no longer be a smoker. I'm down from one pack a day to a half-pack a day, but come September 17th, I will quit cold-turkey. It's not going to be easy, I know. All I know is that I'm more determined than ever to stop.

I know that my friends and family will be very supportive, and I'm grateful to them. I just hope everyone can be patient with me! (Watch out, Larry!) :)

T-50 days, and counting...I'm gonna go have a smoke.

5 More Questions, Y'all

2005-07-28T16:23:00.001-05:00

Yet another interview. This time, from Ms. Penny Shagwell.

-----

Here we go:

1. Who would you rather be: Bill Gates, Michael Jordan or Donald Trump? Why?

Oh, definitely Trump. He's tacky as hell. He's bat-shit crazy, and that's gotta be great fun. He has that horrible hair, and still gets the hot chicks. He surrounds himself with ass-kissers. He insists that he's more successful than ever every time you see him. He'll put his name on anything and sell it. It's almost like he's not even a real person - just some outrageous movie character or something.

2. What was the craziest thing you've ever done? You know, the one where you stop later and say, "What the hell was I thinking??"

Hmm. I don't think I can say, since my brother reads this blog. (Hi, Larry!) So let's just say that the craziest thing I ever did was, um...stayed out past my curfew?? :)

3. My credo in life is "No tears, no fears and no regrets". What's yours and why?

Probably this: "It's okay, as long as it's funny." I guess just because I find myself telling other people that all the time when my mouth tries to get me in trouble...I'm kind of an ass. :)

4. Which movie character do you most identify with? Why?

Hmmm. This is hard. I'm stumped. I know that I can't watch Steel Magnolias anymore because what happens to Julia Robert's character is very similar to what happened to my own mom, but I can't think of any character that reminds me of me. Damn.

5. You become independently wealthy and never have to work another day in your life (if you wish). What would you do to keep yourself busy?

I would divide my time between the U.S and Costa Rica, probably. I'd definitely spend some time taking classes for things I've always been interested in learning. I'd volunteer my time for a literacy program. "Reading is Fundamental", you know. :) In Costa Rica, I'd want to attend the language school in Heredia and master Spanish. Then I'd see if I could teach an English as a Second Language course or something. I'd probably take a month out of every year where I could travel all the places I haven't been yet...which would be everywhere else but here and Costa Rica.
-----

BIGGER Gun

2005-07-28T14:18:00.001-05:00

Larry, I think I may have got you beat. Maybe not, though. But I saw this on Boing Boing today:

Joe Wood of Weimar, Texas built this 6 foot-11 custom barbecue pit in his home metal shop. The barrel is 10 feet long and 8 inches in diameter, and the entire rig is over 15 feet long. The pistol’s grips, which cover the firebox, are made of red oak. When cooking, the barrel acts as the grill’s chimney. It took over two years and 1,100 hours to complete, and used more than two tons of red oak, stainless, and carbon steel.

(via The BBQ Report)

From Dear Ol' Motherdear :)

2005-07-27T11:01:00.001-05:00

Another interview. These questions are always so hard to answer!

-----
From Motherdear:

1. You're a fly on the wall for one hour. Just ONE hour. Where are you? When is it? What, whom are you observing???

I'd have hitched a ride with the astronauts aboard Apollo 11, just as they landed on the moon. I'd want to feel the excitement that they must have felt. I want to see the Earth from a distance. I want to feel that sense of absolute tranquility. I want to experience weightlessness. (Of course, it probably wouldn't be all that different, considering I'd be a fly, but whatever...)

2. You may have any Superpower you desire! Which one have you chosen / created??? Why????

I almost chose the power of invisibility here, but I thought that would take me down a bad path, so I'm going to say that I would love to be able to fly. That's got to be the most liberating feeling in the world. Man, I need to go skydiving someday!! (Of course, knowing me, I'll be absolutely terrified on the plane. Someone would have to push me...but it would be SO worth it.)

3. We have just received a news bulletin that the Earth will dissolved into a puddle of cosmic colors in six days. What are you going to do with those six days?

I'd spend as much time as I could with my family and friends. I wouldn't sleep at all. I'd just want to sit and listen to everyone telling stories, reminiscing about all the time we've shared and things we've done. I don't know if I'd do anything too crazy at all. I'd probably speed in my car whenever I was driving. Oooh - look out now! :) I guess I'd probably make sure that everyone I cared about knew how much I loved them, but that shouldn't be much of a revelation - I try to do that now.

4. You have a choice of any three desserts you want. No calories involved. What will you choose, and why?

1. Chocolate mousse cheesecake. It's my two favorite things put together.
2. Sopapilla, with drizzled honey, cinnamon and ice cream on top. Delicious.
3. Strawberry shortcake. I love strawberries and whipped cream. Reminds me of picnics in the summertime. (That sounds totally lame, and it is, but it's also true.)

5. You come across a beggar in the street. She is thin and drawn, pale, looks very sickly, dressed in an old wool blanket and has bare feet. She holds her hand out to you, her eyes pleading. You look into her bony face, and she looks familiar. Yes, she's the head cheerleader of your high school football team, senior year. She looks at you, quickly, and a flash of recognition sparks in her otherwise-dead eyes...what do you do?

I would definitely try to help her out. I'd probably sit with her and ask her if she's alright, and see if she would let me help her. At the very least, I could probably help her get a shower, change of clothes and a hot meal. I'd try to help her find a place to stay where they could help her get back on her feet.
-----

Again with the rules:

If you want to be interviewed, just ask. Then you post your answers on your own blog...blah, blah, blah. :)

Prayer-Listed

2005-07-26T19:45:00.001-05:00

I work at a university, and I spend a lot of my time interacting with various instructors around campus. I've been at this job for 7 years, so I know a lot of them pretty well. There is one particular instructor, we'll call him "Prof. Prays-A-Lot". He is a very dear man, and over the years, I've gotten to know him a little better than some of the other professors.

So he comes to pick up some work that I've done for him, and we get to chatting like we usually do. Without going into a lot of detail here, I'll just skip through most of the conversation so we can get straight to this:

Prof. Prays-A-Lot: So, you're not in a serious relationship?

Steph: No. I've heard that you actually have to be dating for that to happen. Heh... [nervous laughter] (Meanwhile, I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable, thinking he had someone in mind to set me up with or something.)

Prof: Well, you know what, Steph? I'm going to add you to my prayer list and pray for a husband for you. I think you're an exceptional young woman, and I find it hard to believe that other young men don't feel the same way.

Steph: Oh, well, that's very sweet of you, but you don't--

Prof: No, no. I am going to pray that the Lord sends you a husband. You deserve to have a wonderful family.

Steph: (not knowing what is going on anymore) Uh, well, thanks...

Prof: I've been praying for husbands for my daughters, and I'm going to pray for a husband for you...

Steph: Okay, I'll see you later, then.

Prof: Take care! God Bless you!

[Exit Prof. Prays-A-Lot]

I could not stop laughing after he left. I mean, I think it's wonderful to pray for other people (*I* pray for other people), but I didn't know that people prayed for something that seems so unimportant, I guess. I always thought that people prayed for people who were sick, or destitute, or distraught or losing faith. Not for people who were single. I don't know if I'll ever get married or not - I figure that I need to be happy with my situation, and now that I've finally figured out what I'd like to do career-wise, I'm much more content to not worry too much about that part of my life. Yes, I'd LOVE to have a wonderful husband and children, but I'm not counting on anything. And bless his heart, I know this man is sincere and means well. He's very kind. It just seemed rather silly to me, that's all.

I was thinking later how hilarious it would have been to have said, "Oh, you're going to pray for a husband for me?? Here's a wish-list:

MY IDEAL HUSBAND:

-is tall (around 6', at least)

-has dark hair/dark eyes

-is kind

-is passionate (about his work, beliefs, and also in bed)

-is funny

-is considerate of others

-is great with kids

-loves animals (at least dogs, anyway)

-is understanding

-can cook

-would give me a spatula on our first anniversary, and know why that is hilarious

-speaks a foreign language (preferably Spanish. Spanish-speaking men are my weakness.)

Thanks a lot!!"

5 Questions from Lab Boy

2005-07-26T09:18:00.001-05:00

I asked Lab Boy to interview me, so here goes:

-----
Here are your questions five:

1) You can have all the money you ever wanted, cars, and boats, and even a private jet. But you have to work 40hrs/week at a job you hate, with people you loathe, and you only get two weeks of vacation time per year (no weekend work, though… or on-call time). Do you take the deal?

I've thought about this question all day, and I've come to the conclusion that I couldn't take the deal. (I'm assuming that this situation isn't meant to be temporary.) I could deal with the job that I hated, and the 2 weeks vacation (that's all I've really got now anyway), but I don't think that I could stand having to work with people that I loathe. My coworkers are the only thing that I enjoy at the job I've got now, and they keep me in check.

2) You are offered a part in a Hollywood blockbuster sure to be the stuff of legends. But it includes a raunchy three-way sex scene with the actor and actress you least like. Do you do it?

No, I don't. First of all, I don't think that I could come within 10 feet of Jon Bon Jovi without fearing he'd bite my face off with his ginormous teeth. Secondly (and more seriously), I really don't like attention all that much, and I don't think I'd like what fame may come along with something like that. Plus, I don't think I could kiss a chick. Ew.

3) Your arm is caught between a boulder and a cliff wall. The only way out it to chew your arm off (sorry, no sharps are about, nor help). What do you do?

Seriously? I'd have to chew my own arm off?? Well, if that were the only method for me to get out, I'd probably die there. I mean, let's assume for a moment that I could even work up the nerve to chew my arm off (it'd have to be the right arm - I'm left-handed!) -- I think that I'd throw up after every bite, and would die from dehydration and blood loss. Ugh. What a way to go.

4) The person you love the most in this world decides he/she is going to drop everything and go do humanitarian work on the other side of the world. Do you follow him/her?

For the sake of argument, I'm going to answer this as if you mean a significant other/husband. I would absolutely go. There is so much in the world that I don't understand, and I would relish the chance to learn as much as I could, and I would love to be able to give whatever resources I had to help people who needed it. I just don't know if I'd be brave enough to do it alone. It'd be nice to have that built-in support that a loving husband would provide. I would like to think that home would be wherever my husband is, no matter where that might be. (I naively say this because I've never had a serious relationship, let alone been married. I'd like to think that's how it works, though. Leave me my delusions, please. Heh.)

5) Your car is totaled in an accident. Your friends desert you. You’re out of cash. The rent is due. Do you take a deep breath and go to work on fixing your life or do you cry about it? That is, does fear and adversity petrify you?

I'd be lying if I said that adversity didn't petrify me. But I am getting better about taking things in stride, and realizing that if I *am* in a bad situation, I'll do whatever I can to get out of it. I believe that God doesn't give me more than I can handle (even though sometimes, it sure seems like it), so I try to have faith that things will improve. (Or that my outlook will improve...depending on the situation.)

-----

Okay, y'all. Here are the rules, if you are interviewed:

1) Please post your answers on your blog.
2) Other bloggers can leave a comment requesting to be interviewed.
3) If you have interview requests, you will respond by commenting on their blog with five original questions for them to answer.
4) Those questions and answers will then be posted on the commenter's respective blogs, with these rules attached.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Doppelgänger

2005-07-20T15:49:00.001-05:00

More fun with palindromes. This is one of the coolest poems I've ever read.

****
The following poem reads from the first line to the last as it does from the last to the first. It was written by James A. Lindon and was first published in Dmitri Borgmann's Beyond Language (1967).

Doppelgänger

Entering the lonely house with my wife
I saw him for the first time
Peering furtively from behind a bush –
Blackness that moved,
A shape amid the shadows,
A momentary glimpse of gleaming eyes
Revealed in the ragged moon.
A closer look (he seemed to turn) might have
Put him to flight forever –I dared not
(For reasons that I failed to understand),
Though I knew I should act at once.

I puzzled over it, hiding alone,
Watching the woman as she neared the gate.
He came, and I saw him crouching
Night after night.
Night after night
He came, and I saw him crouching,
Watching the woman as she neared the gate.

I puzzled over it, hiding alone –
Though I knew I should act at once,
For reasons that I failed to understand
I dared not
Put him to flight forever.

A closer look (he seemed to turn) might have
Revealed in the ragged moon
A momentary glimpse of gleaming eyes
A shape amid the shadows,
Blackness that moved.

Peering furtively from behind a bush,
I saw him, for the first time
Entering the lonely house with my wife.
****

(via fun-with-words.com)

Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?

2005-07-20T15:35:00.001-05:00

This had me crying laughing:

FAMOUS PALINDROME.
BY AARON BELZ
- - - -
My girlfriend has a freaking weird name: Eman Driewgnikaerfasahdneirflrigym.

(via McSweeney's)

Stuff on My Cat

2005-07-20T11:22:00.001-05:00

This site made me laugh out loud. I don't exactly know why, maybe it's lack of sleep. Or the fact that I can't stop laughing at the thought of Larry chasing his cat around with various objects to set on top of her. "Hmmm...a smoked ham? No, she didn't like that. Ooh! A toaster! No, no good either. How 'bout some crayons and a stuffed alligator?? Yeah, that's the ticket! Come 'ere, Tera!!" I think the only possible thing she'd let us come near her with is food, so it'll probably be a bust. Ah, well. This entry is my personal favorite.

Also, I added a new site to my sidebar: Overheard in New York. It's hilarious, and totally crazy (and most of the time extremely crude, so you've been warned). I think they update it a few times a week.

Daewoo Blues

2005-07-18T22:25:00.001-05:00

Last Sunday evening, some fucking punks broke a back window in my car and stole some of my shit. It sucked, but things could have been worse. At least they didn't try to steal the whole car. Anyway, I had to take my car into an auto body shop for repairs. There was a place in South St. Louis that would do the work, and also give me a free loaner to drive while I was without my vehicle.

So, last week, I had the unfortunate experience of having to drive this thing:

That's right. A fucking Daewoo. A tiny little Korean deathtrap. The thing rattled so badly on the highway, I was thinking I'd better start calling my family and friends and telling them how much I loved them. It was so small I thought that I should have six clowns in there with me at all times. (Even though I truly think that would be my worst nightmare come to life, but I digress...) It was like driving an oversized golf ball. This picture doesn't quite reflect how round the ass-end of this car is, but you'll just have to trust me. And the windshield was scratched all to hell. It was like a cat got caught under the wiper blade, and tried unsuccessfully to claw it's way out. And the interior? Burns, stains, and more burns. Yikes. I tried not to think that much about what the hell the previous drivers had done in that thing. I never thought I was THAT hung-up on material possessions (for fuck's sake, I drive a CAVALIER), but I was actually embarrassed to be driving this car. People stared. Holy shit, did they stare.

Now, I don't mean to sound like a complete brat about this - I actually was grateful to have something to drive so that I didn't have to get rides to work and back. But holy shit, I hated this car. SO. MUCH. I never thought I'd be so happy as to see my car when it was done.

That being said, my insurance company and the auto body shop that I used (Thanks, Ernie Patti Auto Body!) were fantastic. They made a stressful situation much less of a hassle. My insurance agent actually called me just to make sure that things were "going okay". Nice guy. And since this was my first claim with them, I had been apprehensive about how shit was going to go down, you know? But they were great. And the auto body shop actually washed and detailed my car after they fixed it. Awesome. AND they found my favorite sunglasses, which I thought I had lost forever. (They must have been wedged under one of the seats, because I had looked there before and not found the damn things.)

I'm actually lucky that things weren't worse, so I'm counting my blessings. But I tell ya, for the record, that totally fucking sucked.

Monkey Business

2005-07-18T20:19:00.001-05:00

Which monkey are you?
Another pointless diversion from Bijouriel

It also says this:

"You know your mind and don't take any bull. At your heart you are cynical, sarcastic and unique... and prone to pessimism. Don't shut out other people. Don't drown out what you don't want to hear with your own talk. Listen."

Um, monkey quiz person?? Shut the fuck up. No one asked you. If I wanted someone to tell me I need to be more "puppies and unicorns and kittens!" and shit, I would have called a hotline or something.

LA LA LA...I'M NOT LISTENING....

Best. Mugshot. Ever.

2005-07-14T21:50:00.001-05:00

No, really. Check this guy out.

(via The Smoking Gun)

Okay, I totally stole this from Duff...

2005-06-28T20:17:00.001-05:00

Because I can't think of anything else to blog about, I might as well pick my favorite subject. ME.

Name: Stephanie
Nickname: Let's see. There's Bitch, Step-on-me (which I loathe), Banana (my friend Kristi was Chiquita...long story). I don't really have one anymore, though.
Astrological sign: Virgo. According to Adam Sandler, I'd make a good bus driver or pimp.
Age: 27
Height: 5'7"
Weight: Fatass. But I'm workin' on it.
Occupation: Computer Operator. God, I love vague titles. Makes me feel so important.
Birthplace: St. John's Mercy Hospital, St. Louis, MO (Where all the cool kids are born.)
Marital status: Single
How many children: None that I claim. Little bastards.
Do you drink (alcohol): Yes.
Do you smoke: Yes, but I'm workin' on it.
Favorite outdoor activities: Swimming, hiking (at least in Costa Rica), teaching my friend's kids how to play baseball, playing "Snake Toss", drinking
Favorite indoor activities: watching cheesy 80s movies, playing board games, drinking
Favorite colors: purple, red, blue
Favorite type of music: probably Rock. Anything loud and fast, usually.
Favorite musical groups/performers: Faith No More, Stendek, Guns N Roses, Depeche Mode, NIN, Tool, Aretha Franklin, Johnny Cash, Tom Petty, Stevie Ray Vaughan. I could go on, but I won't.
Favorite song at the moment: "Rape This Day", Tomahawk or "Little Sister", Queens of the Stone Age
Favorite song of all time: Oh, man. This isn't fair. Um..."Surprise, You're Dead", Faith No More
Favorite current song, alternative: "Finding Out True Love is Blind", Louis XIV
Favorite current song, non-alternative: "Get Back", Ludacris
Song that never fails to put me into a good mood: "You Spin Me 'Round (Like A Record)", Dead or Alive
Should the song above fail, I'll play: "Mexican Radio", Wall of Voodoo
What's in your home CD/Cassette player right now: "Jump Back: The Best of the Rolling Stones, 1971-1993", The Rolling Stones
What's in you car CD/Cassette player right now: "Album of the Year", Faith No More
Do you play an instrument: I used to play the violin.
What kind of guitar do you play: Air guitar, baby.
Have you ever gone skinny-dipping: Not that I can remember.
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up: Probably a teacher or nurse. I was a pretty lame kid.
What would be your dream job now: Spanish-language translator/interpreter.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime: Nope. Heh.
Places you'd most like to visit: Alaska, New York City, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Houston, Toronto, Australia, Ireland, Scotland, Greece, Spain, Mexico, Amsterdam
Your first car: 1982 Plymouth Deathtrap. That car could go 30 M.P.H. without me ever touching the gas pedal. Thanks for never changing the oil, Larry!
Dream car: One that comes with a fucking chauffeur, so I can sleep.
Car you drive now: 2001 Chevy Cavalier. It's not much, but it gets good gas mileage.
Favorite season: Fall. Baseball playoffs, hockey starting (I know, I know), leaves changing, weather's cooler.
Favorite holiday: Christmas. We always get together and watch movies, and it's fun. It makes me feel like a little kid again.
Favorite hobbies: I don't really have any. Geez, I suck. I like to read, when I have time. But I don't make anything, or collect anything (besides shotglasses), or do anything interesting.
Favorite sport to play: Volleyball
Favorite sport to watch: Hockey, baseball, and I'm starting to really like soccer
Least favorite sport to watch: Golf.
Most humiliating moment: Hmmmm. I'm sure my friends could make a better story here than I can. My memory sucks. Maybe the time I drank from a beer bottle that was uh, situated, near my friend's crotch?? I dunno.
Do you have any siblings: Yep. Two of 'em.
Do you get along with your parents: Yep. They're good people.
Favorite place to chill: Taking a nap in my bed.
Favorite place to visit: Prison. I'm real popular there.
What is your bad time of day: Anytime before noon.
What is your good time of day: Late in the evening is when I'm finally awake.
Favorite flower/plant: This one. Cracks me up.
Favorite subject in school: Spanish (In 8th grade, we used to get to watch "Sabado Gigante", and I found it utterly hilarious. I wish I had cable so I could watch it...and yes, I'm a huge dork. Thanks for asking.)
Least favorite subject in school: Math. Or Physics. Probably physics, because that was a science class (that I also loathed) where I had to do math. Fuckers.
Favorite authors: Douglas Adams, Clive Barker, Caleb Carr, Harper Lee, Mark Twain
Favorite book genre: Sci-fi/Fantasy, surprisingly enough
Favorite book: "To Kill A Mockingbird", Harper Lee
Current book I'm reading: "Don Quixote", Miguel de Cervantes
Favorite magazine: Reader's Digest
Favorite movie of all time: The Blues Brothers
Other favorite movies: Super Troopers, The Usual Suspects, Blow, Goonies, Pirates of the Carribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Se7en, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Footloose, Dirty Dancing, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, King Kong (the original), Muppets in Space, Wizards, This is Spinal Tap
Favorite actors/actresses: Keanu Reeves, Russell Crowe, Johnny Depp, John Belushi, Kevin Spacey, Julia Roberts, Winona Ryder, Renee Zellweger, Catherine O'Hara
Favorite cartoon character: Droopy, Captain Caveman, Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Meatwad, Frylock, Master Shake), Homer Simpson
Favorite food: fajitas from Las Fuentes (or Dos Primos, really)
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
Favorite alcoholic drink: Right now? Newcastle Brown Ale. Otherwise, rum & coke.
What is your bedtime: I try to be in bed by midnight. When I fall asleep is an entirely different story.
Worst enemies: Mike Piazza, Jon Bon Jovi. Fuckers. Gah.
Interesting fact about your childhood: When I was 5, my dad got me the Kenny Rogers "Gambler" album, and I thought it was the COOLEST thing EVER. And I knew all the words.
The first thing you think of in the morning: Stupid fucking alarm!! SHUT UP!!
Favorite thing to do when you're home alone: Sing stupid songs that I make up. That's what happens when you live alone too long. Heh.
Things that make you feel good: Leaving work everyday. Telling jokes. Long, hot showers. Remembering how to say something in Spanish.
Things you don't like: The smell of bologna. Waiting in line. Not getting enough sleep.
Worst feeling in the world: When I want to throw up, and can't.
Scariest feeling in the world: That I will die alone.
Best feeling in the world: Contentment.
Do you get motion sickness: YES. Holy shit. I used to never have a problem, but now sometimes I can't even be in the passenger seat of a friend's car. Hence, I usually drive myself wherever I'm going. It can be a huge pain in the ass.
Roller Coasters - Deadly or Exciting: Exciting. Unless I don't take a Dramamine first. Then it feels deadly.
Thunderstorms - Cool or Scary: Scary. God, I'm such a chickenshit.
Pen or Pencil: Pen. Mistakes don't scare me, dammit.
Do you like to drive: Sort of. It depends on how many CDs I remembered to bring with me, and whether or not I'm stuck in traffic. I miss my manual transmission, though.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: Nope.
Did you have imaginary friends or a blanket as a child: Nope.
What words or phrases do you overuse: I curse like a sailor. And I think I say, "Brilliant!" too much. I'm sure there's tons of other shit.
Coolest things anyone ever gave you: My friend's daughter gave me a bracelet that she made because she said that I'm her guardian angel. Sappy as hell, but so sweet. Roy got me a ticket to see KISS and Aerosmith when they were in town. AWESOME. And my mom wrote me two letters before she died that I absolutely cherish.
How would you characterize your political leanings: Conservative liberal. Hell, I don't know.
If you could pick one super-human power, what would you choose: I would want to fly. No question. That would fucking rule.
Favorite Quotes/Lyrics/Poems:

Quotes
Capt. Grady: Desperation is a stinky cologne, John.
**
Ref: Got my eye on the three of you. You pull one thing, you're out of this game. I run a clean game here. I have any trouble here, I'll suspend ya--
Steve Hanson: I'M LISTENING TO THE FUCKING SONG!!!
**
Verbal Kint: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled...was convincing the world he didn't exist...
**
Mr. Gibbs: Then, on the fourth day, he roped himself a couple of sea turtles, lashed 'em together and made a raft.
Will Turner: He roped a couple of sea turtles.
Mr. Gibbs: Aye. Sea turtles.
**
Nigel Tufnel: It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.
Marty DiBergi: It's very nice.
Nigel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...
Marty: What do you call this?
Nigel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".
**
Lyrics

Runnin´ twice as fast to stay in the same place/Don´t catch my breath until the end of the day/And I´d rather be shot in the face/Than hear what you´re going to say

--Faith No More, "Ricochet"

Countin' flowers on the wall/That don't bother me at all/Playin' solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one/Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo/Now don't tell me I've nothin' to do

--Statler Bros., "Flowers on the Wall"

Woke up this mornin'/and I got myself a beer

--The Doors, "Roadhouse Blues

For those about to rock/we salute you

--AC/DC, "For Those About To Rock"

There he is wrapped in a ball/Doesn't seem to move at all/Perhaps he's dead, I'll just make sure/Pick this book up off the floor/Boris the spider/Boris the spider/Creepy, crawly/Creepy, crawly

--The Who, "Boris the Spider"

Poems

I'm not much of a poetry-lover, but I saw this on a piece of artwork hanging the the Museo Nacional in Costa Rica, and had my teacher translate it for me. I won't do that here (if you're ambitious, you can try for yourself), but the title is "Fable of the mermaid & the drunkards", and I thought it was pretty fucking cool:

Fábula de la sirena y los borrachos

Todos estos señores estaban dentro

cuando ella entró completamente desnuda

ellos habían bebido y comenzaron a escupirla

ella no entendía nada recién salía del río

era una sirena que se había extraviado

los insultos corrían sobre su carne lisa

la inmundicia cubrió sus pechos de oro

ella no sabía llorar por eso no lloraba

no sabía vestirse por eso no se vestía

la tatuaron con cigarrillos y con corchos quemados

y reían hasta caer al suelo de la taberna

ella no hablaba porque no sabía hablar

sus ojos eran color de amor distante

sus brazos construidos de topacios gemelos

sus labios se cortaron en la luz del coral

y de pronto salió por esa puerta

apenas entró al río quedó limpia

relució como una piedra blanca en la lluvia

y sin mirar atrás nadó de nuevo

nadó hacia nunca más hacia morir.

--Pablo Neruda

The Personality Defect Test

2005-06-22T16:16:00.001-05:00

Smartass
You are 71% Rational, 71% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 57% Arrogant.

You are the Smartass! You are rational, extroverted, brutal, and arrogant. You probably consider people who are emotional and gentle to be big pussies who are obviously in lesser stature than you. You have many flaws, despite your seeming intelligence and cool-headedness. For instance, you aren't very nice. In fact, you're probably an asshole. And you are conceited and self-centered. Not only that, but you are very loud and vocal about all this, seeing as how you are extroverted. There is no better way to describe you than as a "smartass", I'm afraid. Perhaps just "ass" would do, too. But that's a little less literary and descriptive. At any rate, your main personality defect is the fact that you are self-centered, mean, uncaring, and brutally logical.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Emo Kid.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Capitalist Pig, the Braggart, and the Sociopath.

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

I'm sure this is one of those "you had to be there" stories, but...

2005-06-16T16:04:00.001-05:00

...I'm posting it anyway, if only because Larry's kind of forced me to. Thanks a LOT. Heh. :) Anyway, here I go:

I found this clip (click on "Michael Jackson's Webcam") from "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" to be utterly hilarious. Not only because Sr. Ferguson does a horrible impersonation of Michael Jackson, but because of the "I'm going to pay the rest in HEE-hees..." quote. For some reason, that fucking killed me. I almost fell out of bed when he started "HEE-heeing" all over the place, I was laughing so hard.

So yesterday, I decide that I have to tell SOMEONE about this, and usually when I have a stupid story to tell, the first person I call is Larry. Lord knows he does it to me WAYYY more often. :) I call him up, and of course, he's just thrilled to hear from me. Heh. So I tell him about the whole skit (had I known originally that it was online, I would have just told him to check it out, and not even tried to explain) and ended with the "...pay the rest in HEE-hees..." bit. I then proceeded to demonstrate said HEE-hee. Larry cracked the fuck up.

Today we decided that we should try to literally pay for something in HEE-hees. Like, I'd videotape Larry going into the liquor store, getting a soda, setting on the counter and saying loudly, "HEE-hee!!" and then casually adding, "...and you can keep the change", as he grabs his soda and strolls out of the store.

That? Would fucking RULE.

¡Olé!

2005-06-07T15:15:00.001-05:00

Holy crap. This is incredible. My favorite bit:

"...their aim is to hit the animal with a squeezy plastic hammer."

I say road trip. Who's with me??