Monday, November 03, 2008

Guilty Pleasure Songs

You all know you have 'em. I actually don't have *too* many songs that I will listen to that truly embarrass me, although I do still have a hard time listening to "Danger Zone" with my car windows down. Anywho. But worse than that is my love for a certain glam metal song. I think this band only had one other "hit", and that's questionable, but my love for this song knows no bounds:




Smooth up in ya!

Mama...whoa...

I know you really want to move me
You know I'd like to see you try
I've said it before and I'll say it again
You're not my type if you don't give in

Looks like you're the hard kind
I ain't got that kind of time

Oh I send shivers

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(In ya)

You say I'm never gonna break ya
But we won't know until we try
So now's the time to make up your mind
I'll never ever be the one woman kind

Don't let your lovin' go to waste
All it takes is just one date

Oh I send shivers

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(Smooth up in ya)

Smooth up in ya
(I wanna go, I wanna go)
Smooth up in ya
(Right now, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Oh oh oh
I wanna go
I wanna
I wanna go

Oh yeah yeah yeah, don't let your lovin' go to waste
Oh honey child, I'm gonna give you a taste

Whoa I send shivers

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(Smooth up in ya)

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(Said it before and I'll say it again)

Smooth up in ya
(Whoa)
Smooth up in ya
(Whoa I really wanna go)

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(I really wanna go)

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya
(Yeah, yeah)

Smooth up in ya
Smooth up in ya

BulletBoys, "Smooth Up In Ya". Aw, yeah, bitches. I feel really weird that I love this song SO much. This song came out when I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. And it's so crass and dirty. And so *80s*, you know? I mean, the video is fucking cringe-worthy at best. Those torn up white graffiti jeans? The bleached out hair? The creepy butt-wiggling and epileptic dancing?? If that's not sexy, I don't know what is. I guess this proves no matter how much I try to fight it, I'll always be white-trash at heart.

Whew - I feel better getting that off of my chest. So c'mon folks -- what's YOURS? It's okay. We're all friends here...

Edited to add: I'm actually so embarassed by this that I *almost* deleted this post. Oh, what have I done!?

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Nerd Alert

So I mentioned in my last post that I've read several books since I've moved in with my parents. Here is the list, as I can recall it from memory (And since I'm interjecting with my opinion of these books, I just wanted to say POSSIBLE SPOILERS. Just covering my ass.):

1. Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck. My GOD this book is fantastic. I don't know how I managed to have not read this my entire life, but I'm so glad that my friend Wendy recommended it. When I got to the end, I was near tears. It only takes about an hour or so to read, and it's well-worth the time. If you haven't read it, get a copy NOW. Right now.
2. The Road, Cormac McCarthy. When I first picked this up, I had to slow down a bit and concentrate. Nowhere in the book does McCarthy refer to any of the characters by name. It was a strange concept to me, but after the first few chapters, I didn't even notice. It was amazing and rather depressing all at the same time. The desolation and fear really start to become real. I don't think it's for everyone, but I really liked it. It was completely different from anything else I've ever read.
3. Songs in Ordinary Time, Mary McGarry Morris. This book was frustrating. On the one hand, it totally drags you into this family's life and you're dying to see what happens. But the way the story plays out is infuriating. It's like watching someone you care about constantly make piss-poor decisions, and your hands are completely tied to do a damn thing about it.
4. Bastard Out of Carolina, Dorothy Allison. Again, this was hard to read because you get emotionally attached to the characters. It explores that sort of family life much like Songs in Ordinary Time, but with a much darker tone due to the subject matter (abuse, sexual assault). Certain parts were very hard to read.
5. Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I wanted to love this book. I wanted it to convince me that romance isn't a waste of time. Yeah...this book bored me to tears, I have to admit. Florentino Ariza's character was so fucking annoying to me. He pines and pines for his beloved for years and years and years. I don't know - maybe it's my cynical nature, but I found it slightly pathetic, not romantic. By the time I was done, I wasn't feeling all "AWWWWWW....they reconnected!" It was more like, "THANK GOD I'm done with this damn book." I might read something of Marquez's again, but not anytime soon.
6. Ravelstein, Saul Bellow. Right from the beginning, I wasn't sure what to make of this book. I'm still not sure. It was okay, I guess, but I had NO idea what to expect. Buying books at the thrift store (which I LOVE) is always a crapshoot.
7. Angela's Ashes, Frank McCourt. I loved this, and as soon as I can get my hands on the sequel, 'Tis, I'm going to read it. Is it wrong that the entire time I read this, I wanted to eat?? I would read page after page about how this poor family never has enough food, etc., and I kept thinking, "Oh, man! I'm gonna go have a sandwich! I'm starving!" I think something is wrong with me.
8. The Beautiful Cigar Girl: Mary Rogers, Edgar Allan Poe, and The Invention of Murder, Daniel Stashower. This was a cool book. It's a non-fiction account of one of the earliest sensationalized murders in American history, and how Edgar Allan Poe's career was intertwined with this case. I'm a big Poe fan, so I totally dug this one.
9. The Seville Communion, Arturo Perez-Reverte. This was a mystery about hackers getting into the Vatican's computer system and pleading with the Holy Father to save a certain church in Seville, Spain. The Vatican sends a priest to investigate, and the story develops from there. I was not super-impressed with this one. Certain elements in the book were absolutely no surprise at all. I could have predicted them even before I cracked the cover. It definitely made me want to visit Seville, though.
10. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley. Very verbose, but very good. And completely unlike any other Frankenstein story I've ever been told. I knew that going in, but was still a little surprised at just how different it was. I thought it was fascinating. I highly recommend it. I'd loan you my copy, but I completely destroyed it. My dumb ass thought it'd be great to take it into the sauna at the gym so I wouldn't be bored, never thinking that the humidity would destroy the glue holding the binding together. And then there was an incident with a bottle of Gatorade and that was that. Thank goodness that happened AFTER I'd finished with it.
11. The Corrections, Jonathan Franzen. I hated this book. Oh, how I hated this book. I picked it up because he's from St. Louis, and I remember that he had declined Oprah making this one of her selections for her Book Club. I was excited to read this one, but I never really did get into it. I found it incredibly boring and ultimately a pain-in-the-ass to get through. When it got to the point where one of the characters was being tormented by the personification of a piece of shit, I almost quit reading, but I stuck it out. Meh. I don't recommend it.
12. Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman. This book wasn't bad. It was dark and Gothic, which I tend to like. I enjoyed the story, but I don't know that it grabbed me enough to try Gaiman again.
13. A Widow For One Year, John Irving. This was a book that I flew through. I don't know why I was compelled to read it compulsively, but every chance I got I would read "just a few more pages". Mainly this is the story of a woman and how she grew up in a completely dysfunctional environment, and what became of her. It was interesting, but I'll admit I was slightly squicked out by one of the character's fascination with older women. Much older women. It totally makes sense within the context of the book and everything, but it almost bordered on creepy. For me, anyway. I have no problem with any adult falling in love with someone considerably older, but it was the obsession that made it weird.
14. A Civil Action, Jonathan Harr. By the end of this book, I felt emotionally EXHAUSTED. Oh, man. For a non-fiction book, I thought this one was particularly well-done. I was so engrossed in the case that I felt like I was one of the lawyers. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt after I put this book down that I would NEVER cut it as a lawyer. To have the kind of dedication it takes to fight through the tedium and red-tape of the judicial system is amazing to me. The outcome of this book was a little different than I expected but I am so glad that I was completely ignorant of any of the circumstances of this case before I read it. (Or the movie, for that matter.)
15. The Lazarus Rumba, Ernesto Mestre. This book is incredibly strange and kind of has a mystical feel to it. It deals with the story of a family of revolutionaries at the time of Castro's rise to power in Cuba. At one point, the story is told from the point-of-view of a gay blue rooster that has the power to raise things from the dead by pissing on them. That will tell you right there if this book is for you. This is one I actually intend on reading again soon. I'm sure I'll get much more out of it the second time.
16. Thunderstruck, Erik Larson. I love this guy. I didn't find this one as fascinating as I found the first book of his I picked up, Devil in the White City, but I think it's just because I'm infinitely more interested in architecture than I am in wireless telegraphy. Nevertheless, the story is told brilliantly, and at the end, I was totally holding my breath. I highly recommend this one.


And I've started another book called The Infinite Plan by Isabel Allende and also started Crime & Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky. Also around here somewhere I have a copy of Wicked by Gregory Maguire, in Spanish, that I intend on reading. Not for understanding, mind you, even though I might glean a tiny bit. I read it in English last year, so we'll see what I remember. I'm just going to try and re-familiarize myself with Spanish words and sentence structure.

I'm starting to think that an appointment with an eye doctor wouldn't be the worst idea.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Uninspired

Okay - it's been a while since I've blogged. I know, I know. I suck. For the last few weeks, I've tried to come up with a reason to post, but nope - nothing. So tonight I just figured that I'd open up the old brain and see what pours out. For those of you that continue to read the rest of this, I wish you the very best of luck...

I bought a pack of Orbit gum at the gas station, and I have literally been sitting here for FIVE MINUTES trying to open it. The stupid little "Open Here" printed on the packaging can just go STRAIGHT TO HELL. I saw "Tropic Thunder" three times, and I laughed harder each successive time. I bought a pair of sunglasses today that look absolutely terrible on me. They are big and purple and square, and I love them. This is the second week in a row that I've known I need a belt for my pants, and the second week in a row that I've not bothered to shop for one. It is so humid in my house that my fingers are sweaty. And yes, I know that's gross. My new Mike Patton obsession? A Faith No More track that was a B-side in Japan called "The World Is Yours". God Bless YouTube. My friend got me a book called "The Book of Bunny Suicides" by Andy Riley for my birthday. I cannot fully express to you all just how fucking hysterical this book is. Google it - you won't be sorry. Another friend got me another great book called "Zombie Haiku" by Ryan Mecum. It's sick and wrong, and right up my alley. My favorite haiku? "Biting into heads/is much harder than it looks./The skull is feisty." Followed directly by the haiku my friend wrote in the book for me "A disgusting book/I hope it makes you chuckle,/and perhaps vomit." My friends are awesome. I have read at least 15 or 16 books since I moved in with my parents in March. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I'm waiting patiently for the house I'm supposed to rent to be ready. Maybe I'll be in by Christmas?? God, I hope so...I really miss my stuff. I need a real hobby. I have no talent, so it's going to be difficult to choose something. I'm going to have to drive my dad's truck this week because my car is being supremely difficult. It's hard to start the motherfucker when the key won't turn in the fucking ignition. I might be slightly stressed about this. I was actually hoping that swimming at the gym would help with my stress level, but I don't think it's working. I LOVE CRAIG FERGUSON. I think he's a genius. A charming, Scottish genius. I wish I could stay up late enough to watch his show every night. *sigh* "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" is the best show on television. Supremely, consistently hilarious and over-the-top. Plus, they put Danny DeVito back on TV - I love that guy. "It's not a *rape* van, it's a *SPY* van!" Larry's cat has been giving me the CRAZY^(O_o)^ EYES all weekend. Thank goodness I sleep with my door locked. God knows Larry's probably trying to train her to assassinate me. I seriously need to learn to cook. For reals, y'all. I AM SO SICK OF THAT OXYCLEAN MOTHERFUCKER SCREAMING AT ME. GET. OFF. MY. TELEVISON. I have officially lived longer than my mother ever did. It kind of freaks me out, and I can't explain why. I like my coffee with two creams, four sugars. I am up way, way, way past my bedtime. It's almost 1:00 in the morning here as I type this. I'm watching "Clean House" right now and this couple on the show is pregnant. They show the decorator dude arranging blocks in the baby's room to spell out the baby's name -- Grayson. I totally read it as Gay Son, and I thought, "Whoa, how the hell would they know that??" Methinks I should go to bed.

In fact, that is EXACTLY what I'm going to do.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Plata

Because I'm a dumbass and thought all week long that today's post was supposed to be for "White" instead of "Silver", you all get this:


My first choice in jewelry:



The prize for second place:




The Lone Ranger's horse's name:




The color I want my hair to turn when I grow up:




The color of most robots: (BEWARE THE UPRISING!!)




The word they use on products aimed at senior citizens to make them seem more distinguished:




A bullet that will fuck UP a werewolf:




A couple's 25th anniversary:



I really hate inflicting these last-minute posts on you all. I really do! If you all need me, I'll be off sulking in the corner, thinking about what I've done.


Thursday, March 06, 2008

Marrón

I still remember that first chance encounter we had that night so many years ago. I was unsure of myself, you were cold and distant. What happened next shocked us both, I think. I grabbed your neck to bring you closer to me, and oh, when our lips met, it was ever-so-magical...

I love you, Newcastle Brown Ale.


Thursday, February 28, 2008

Negro

This post might seem a bit weird, but I couldn't resist. It's late, and I'm tired. So here are some Boosh quotes, all with a common word. I wonder what it could possibly be??

Lucien: You should never go out on Black Lake when the moon be full.
Vince Noir: Why?
Lucien: Because there's somethin' out there... somethin' evil... somethin' that goes by the name of Old Gregg...
[creepy music]
Vince Noir: ...who?
Lucien: Ol' Gregg. Legendary fish. Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say it's more of a seventy-thirty split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.


Vince Noir: Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard?
Howard Moon: This better be good.
Vince Noir: You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantulas' eggs?
Howard Moon: Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.


Vince Noir: [grabbing book] Look at this one!
Naboo: Don't touch that!
Vince Noir: All right! Easy!
Naboo: This is black magic. This is hardcore. Don't mess with the occult.
Vince Noir: I thought it was good for you.
Naboo: What?
Vince Noir: Well, you know, good for your digestive system.
Naboo: That's Yakult!
Vince Noir: Oh, yeah...


Vince Noir: ...when Black Frost freezes you, what are your last words going to be?
Howard Moon: I'll probably just do some poetry. You know, something from my '70s period. What about you?
Vince Noir: I'll probably just swear my tits off.


The Hitcher: You wanna know about my thumb do ya boy? Intrigue ya does it boy? My thumb? Let me tell ya 'bout it. I come from a long line of hitchhikers, all with bleedin' masive thumbs. You see the thumb is a tremendous boon to the hitchhiker, helps with work. Ya know what I mean? Only problem was, when I was a child, my thumb was tiny. Not just tiny. Like a single sugar puff. Disgusting! Even my own mother would reel back in horror, like an anaconda, 'Aagh! What is it!? Get it out of here! It's tiny! It's horrible, it's revolting! Take your tiny thumb and get out of here and never darken my door again!' she'd say. I had to leave the family unit, in search of a miracle. I wandered the streets, looking for the answer. And people told me of a magic shaman: part man, part hornet. So I went looking for him. I went everywhere. I combed the universe in search of the stripy insect shaman. Turns out he was in a local primary school, in the bin, reeling about with the apple cores, like they do. And I stood there, with my thumb out, and he stung it, and he stung it. He grabbed onto it, it was like he was making love to it with his sting. In and out, in and out, more and more! Oh the pus, the pain, the black voodoo, the wet jigsaw puzzle! I didn't know what was happening. Oh for days I was in a trance. But when I came to, there it was. Like a fleshy maraca! A thumb of gigantic proportion! 'A miracle!' I said, 'A miracle, you're a true wizard! How can I ever repay ya?' And he said to me, 'Five hundred euros.' 'Five hundred euros!? You won't see penny one from me, you slag!' And as I raised my thumb up, to smash his tiny skull in I could see in his little insect face, could see him thinkin', 'Oh, I created that monster! I created that thumb! And now it's killing me! My own beastly creation, killin' me dead. The sweet irony.' I think he was sayin' that, although it was a long time ago. And in hindsight, he coulda just been shittin' himself.


Howard Moon: What time are the girls coming?
Vince Noir: Yeah, thing is, these are goth girls so...that might be a bit of a problem.
Howard Moon: Why?
Vince Noir: Well, you're gonna have to get a bit dark, like me.
Howard Moon: Like you? You're the least dark person I've ever met. You're like candy floss.
Vince Noir: You cut me open, I'm made of blackjacks.
Howard Moon: You're fruit salad, Vince. Everyone knows that.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Morado


My dad's mom died in 2001. She was a hell of a lady. She liked three things:



1. Good food

2. John Wayne

3. the color purple



I had a very strange relationship with her over the years. When I was a kid, she scared the every-living hell outta me. See, she was a drinker, just like my gramps. Miller High Life was the drink of choice, and they both drank tons of it. Don't get me wrong - I've got fond memories of the times I spent there: BEGGING Grandma to buy Goober Grape at the grocery store (she always did), going swimming in the Little Piney River, watching Grandma pluck a chicken so she could make chicken and dumplings, her yelling at my cousin and I to stop shooting our BB guns at her dinner bell -- but I didn't like the drinking. She and my grandpa fought CONSTANTLY. That's why my cousin and I spent a majority of our time outside exploring. If they were in the house, it was always silence or yelling. No in-between. This went on for years.



When I was in high school, my grandma finally quit drinking and smoking. She wised up, and she left my grandpa. She moved up to St. Louis and lived with my uncle for about a year before she moved to Florida to live near her sister. During this time, we'd talk on the phone, but it was always that strained, "Hey, Grandma. How are you?" and-then-you're-ready-to-get-off-the-phone-kinda-talk. You all know what I mean. We had that kind of "I-know-you're-my-grandma-so-when-my-dad-makes-me-talk-to-you-I-will" relationship. Then her sister died and she moved back to St. Louis.



I had just moved back home from a disastrous (yet incredibly wreckless and fun) semester of "school" in Arkansas, and I was looking to move out of the house. My grandma wanted to find a retirement community, but the waiting list was long, so we decided to get an apartment together. It seems crazy, and it kinda was, but it also worked. We became incredibly close. I learned that she loved to watch Larry Rice on Channel 9, and Gunsmoke whenever possible. I learned that she could cook like a champ when she wanted to. I learned how to dial 911 when she had chest pains. I learned that the Black Jack Fire Department has some of the hottest firemen in St. Louis. I learned that she couldn't really take phone messages. I learned that she lovingly referred to me as a "knucklehead" and a "dumbass" when Kristi interviewed her for a paper she had to write. I learned that she was not afraid to speak her mind. I learned that I loved my grandma more than I ever thought I could.



Now that I'm moving again, I've been going through my things, and I've found a lot of things that spark my memories of her:



-a purple teddy bear that I bought her one of the many times she was in the hospital


-a purple and black wooden butterfly that she painted for me during one of her craft hours at the nursing home (I use it to top my Christmas tree)


-a purple angel ornament that I bought the year that she died


-a purple dress that I wore to a friend's wedding and also to the hospital's ICU just so she could see me in it - she loved it


-the purple color scheme of the bedroom I will occupy at my parent's house for the next month (her old room), painted just for her when she moved in


-a purple lace cloth that she used to throw over her nightstand like a tablecloth to "make it pretty"


-the dried purple rose that I took from her grave the day we buried her


My grandma was fucking awesome.


I miss her. Dearly.